#but i've been thinking about this for almost a month

[hawkins-batman]

The Noah Schnapp Situation Going Into S5

With Stranger Things Season 5 coming out this year, we are unfortunately going to see a revival of the debacle around Noah, even though by then it will be an almost 2 year old subject. So, I thought I would get ahead of that with some of my thoughts based on what I've seen these last few weeks and more broadly over the last 6 or more months I've been on this scene.

Spoiler Alert: This is going to be a long one. It'll probably be my new pinned post.

Why Still Talk About It?

Frankly? Because it's still going on. Keep in mind, Liam Payne died in October 2024 (just three months ago), right around Noah's birthday, and THIS is how Twitter responded to that.

And just in case anyone thinks I had to dig back a whole 3 months to find Noah-hate-content on Twitter, here was just random things I grabbed from the last week:

Which brings me to the next point.

Why Do You Even Care?

"Noah doesn't know you." "He's not your pookie."

I know that. The funny thing is, from what little I know about Noah, I'm pretty sure if he DID know me beyond the ONE DM conversation we've had, he'd probably tell me to chill. Dude is very non-confrontational and nice. So, why do it?

Because I think the online movement in favor of Palestinian self-determination has been hijacked by teenagers and performative leftists who care more about looking good for their peers than practicing what they preach.

Because (as you can see above and in screenshots like the one below), people who claim to hold my liberal/progressive/left-leaning values have used this as an opportunity to be openly homophobic and antisemitic towards a then-19-year old who had JUST come out of the closet.

Proponents of the hate campaign against Noah have said that they are just "holding him accountable" or "criticizing him" in the hopes he "learns something."

Look up. Point to me which image is accountability. Point to me the valid criticisms.

There are none. There is just flagrant homophobia. And then there are posts like this one, coming from the same crowd:

This behavior is wrong on its face.

It is violent. It is bullying (which doesn't seem like strong enough of a word) and it's bigoted.

Wanna see more? Look up @noah_schnapp on Twitter/X. See what they've done to his account.

Inevitably, some of the people participating in this will see this blog post. If you've made it this far, this is for you:

This behavior discredits your activism. It makes you look performative and fake to say in one breath that you are a "Leftist" who cares about Palestinian lives as well as the lives of minority groups worldwide, and then to turn around and talk like this about a Jewish person and a gay KID. Because he WAS a kid when this started. Furthermore, it makes it clear to those of us who actually hold the beliefs we claim, that you are vapid enough to use Palestinian suffering for your own personal vendettas. That the APPEARANCE of goodness is more important than goodness itself. And that you will shuck solidarity with minority groups the MOMENT one of them steps out of the lines you have drawn around them.

Not to mention...

It's Based Mostly On Lies

As a reminder, this is what Noah Schnapp actually said shortly after October 7, 2023:

Read that again.

"...we will hope and pray for safety, justice, liberation, and self-determination in Palestine." That was part of the very first thing he ever said about the issue.

And then this happened:

This was the image he was crucified for.

Stickers that weren't even his. That he wasn't holding up or making. He was in a cafe, someone else came up to him with them, and he was videoed with that person.

That's it. That's all. All those tweets you saw above? The fake stories made up about him like this one?

All of that was supposedly "accountability."

The harassment of his family. Murder threats. Rape threats. All for stickers that weren't even his.

There's even a paid Stranger Things author on this very site, styling herself as a Byler shipper, who has contributed to the lies that have further added to the hate campaign I've described.

As an aside, Noah wasn't the only one in that video. The influencers that actually posted the video and HAD THE STICKERS?

Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

And just to be clear - I don't think they should get hate. I think non-Jewish online Leftists appropriated a term from Jewish culture, redefined it, and are weaponizing it to beat down Jews all over the internet—which is par for the course for this charcuterie board of performative activism.

Yet the point stands. Noah was specifically targeted; and the homophobia that IMMEDIATELY came from the Left suggests to me that it was his sexuality and cultural/religious identity that motivated the attacks.

Again, I'll say, this is wrong.

Noah Has Since Responded

It hasn't stopped the bullying.

Didn't stop him from withdrawing from spaces he loved. From needing therapy from what we've learned from his now-deleted second TikTok.

And that really says something, does it? He cleared up his point. He tried to clarify and even apologize.

They didn't accept it. Not because it wasn't good enough. Not because it was "too late." Because this was the point. They wanted to keep doing it. They get sick joy from it.

Which is why...

I'm Not Shutting Up About This

This post doesn't even nearly cover the whole situation. The Byler fans who try to replace Noah's image in fan art and fan fiction. Who fan cast themselves as Will instead of Noah. The stalking and doxxing on Twitter. People reporting to GIANT hate accounts his location and when he's alone, PRAYING for him to be hurt.

I wish I could cover it all.

We have to stand up to this. On tumblr, on TikTok, on Threads, Twitter/X—everywhere we see it.

For our gay and Jewish siblings who see how Noah was attacked and feel less safe in their online spaces as a result, we have to speak up and say something.

And yeah. We have to say something for Noah, too.

The person who replied to me like this:

Him?

He did it because he needed to see a show of love from his fans. Doesn't mean he's perfect. Doesn't mean he won't mess up or do something in the future.

And no. Standing up for Noah, or for Jewish people, or other gay folks does not make you a genocide supporter or apologist. It doesn't mean you want any innocent people harmed. Don't give them the power to talk down to you like that. It's bullshit. You know it, and I know it.

All standing up to this vile shit is is an acknowledgement that Noah is a living, breathing person, as some of these people tend to forget.

And he didn't deserve this.

Any of it.

[4chensungs]

don’t kiss and tell

brothers best friend!jisung x fem. reader

after the incident of your brother finding out you hooked up with one of his friends, you promised to yourself to never look out for him anymore. but who says he’ll give up on you that easily?

wc. 2.8k

warnings. smut (mdni), jisung is down bad, body worship like crazy in here, tit sucking, fingering, ass slapping, unprotected sex

part 1 for context here <3

IT HAS BEEN one whole month since you last talked to jisung. one month since you saw him probably for the last time in a hot minute.

the last few weeks have been extremely unusual; you keep questioning yourself how was he doing, if he's even ever going to appear at your house again to hang out with you brother, like he always did. he's probably not.

and fuck jaemin, fuck him for screwing your bond with him. it's useless, pure jealousy and he's so stupid!, stupid for being this mad with one if his best friends of years, simply because he thinks you're still a child.

on the other hand, jisung is being not so subtle in the way he still wants you. he keeps liking the pics you post on your instagram stories, sometimes even replying to them. and it's the sad fact you're not giving him a single reply.

his mind wanders to the thought of you being already completely over him, wanting to distance yourself fully right now, thanks to your brother.

but your heart knows that's not what you want, and it keeps giving you a warning that the next time that you see him, these feelings will come back stronger than ever.

you miss him. so bad, thinking about him makes you sick.

you're laying in bed, scrolling quietly through your phone when the damn notification appears. why does he keep trying? you sigh out loud.

the__and.y liked your stories.

you ran your hands through your hair, turning off your phone to stare at the ceiling to collect your breath. you can't, your brother is still furious with both of you.

jisung ♡: why do u keep ignoring me in every existing social media

is he really going to do this? at this late at night?

jisung ♡: i miss you

you kept reading his messages and not replying. you didn't contact him for a month.

maybe, just maybe, things may have gotten lighter with jaemin. perhaps he's not really remembering this whole thing, yeah?

you: i'm sorry jisung

you: idk if this is right i really don't know

you: im confused

you turn off your phone again while waiting for his reply. let's give it a try.

jisung ♡: why wouldn't it be right

jisung ♡: jaemin can't control your life, you can do whatever you want

hm.

you: i felt bad that day and he's still so mad with you

you: idc if he's mad with me, he's my brother at the end of the day

you: i worry about you and how hes fucked up your friendship

jisung ♡: baby you know what's fucked up

jisung ♡: you trying to convince yourself that you don't want this because of him

jisung ♡: say to my face that you don't want it

you want this so fucking bad. to be in his arms again, and the thrill of being with him behind closed doors. god, that's all you want in every way.

you: ji

you: i want to see you

jisung ♡: that's right

jisung ♡: i've waited for this princess

jisung ♡: waited so long

you: i need you

you: i don't care anymore

you really don't give a fuck - your brother can hold his protectiveness instinct for himself, he actually can. you can't control what your heart aims for.

and it screams for park jisung.

"you can't ignore him forever, you know that?"

"who says I'm ignoring him? I texted him yesterday saying he should come this weekend." jaemin huffed, acting oblivious to the fact that the only reason why he invited jisung over was because of the boys' annual end of year party.

chenle deadpans at him with his stare, letting out a chuckle, "if you didn't invite him I would've done it myself." he paused, turning his head to look at the man, "that would be bullshit."

bullshit. jaemin swore he almost threw chenle out of the car in the harshest way possible - clicking his tongue in pure annoyance, "yeah, it was just fine when he fucked my sister behind my back."

"i'm pretty sure they did not fuck."

if you didn't then why were you both half naked. in his car. at your backyard?

"i'm telling you, I saw it. she was literally on top of him and she was fucking moaning his name, chenle. that's fucking wrong." your brother spat while still not looking at his friend - eyes focused on the road.

chenle keeps going, "cut this off, jaem. you can't see her as a baby anymore. let her live."

jisung is indeed coming to your house again - sooner than you thought. but it did take some days for you to find out, tho. you brother wasn't the one who told you.

in the same day, the last messages jisung sent you before you went to sleep.

jisung ♡: dress up prettily for me tomorrow

jisung ♡: will you?

you: what??

you: you're coming???

jisung ♡: jaemin told me to go and yeah i didn't expect it as well

jisung ♡: dreaming of you again

jisung ♡: kissing your sweet lips holding you so close to me

jisung ♡: it'll be all mine princess

you: go to sleep ji

you: silly

jisung ♡: i'll show you what's silly tomorrow

—

the sound of the boys laughing and loud pitching talking in the living room did quite mess with your head, anticipating the moment when he comes. it's crazy how you got so dolled up for him only, he's the reason why you're even going out of your room this night.

if it wasn't for jisung, you'd probably just greet the guys and come back to your own quiet place, drowning in your thoughts, alone. just like you always used to do before he appeared in your life.

a knock was heard on your door just right after you finished your makeup. unexpectedly, you meet a very tipsy jaemin.

"what the fuck is this outfit?" he spats, crossing his arms in front of his chest - his body unbalanced. for a split second, you closed your eyes and thanked all the existing Gods under your breath. he's drunk.

you smiled, "felt pretty today. you smell like beer, don't talk to me."

"hey, hey, hey." he grabbed your arm before you could close the door and kick him out, "come say hello to my friends. don't be rude."

you fixed your hair and outfit and went to the living room, being find with chenle, jeno and donghyuck's figures sat around the big table, nestled with all the different kinds of drinks and alcohol.

your breath hitched when jisung was nowhere to be found.

after greeting the guys, you decided to wait in your room - not sure on how, or when will jisung get there and you'll finally get to release all of your wants. show him how much you miss him and vice versa.

not much time had passed before another knock was heard on your door. you were sprawled on bed, dim lighting decorating the ambient.

"come in."

you said that because you thought it was your brother. jisung carefully opened the door, eyes peeking first to check on you.

that scene truly felt like a movie. you slowly got up, a smile starting to pop up in your lips as you walked to him.

your voice trembling, "hi, ji."

you opened the door fully for him to enter your space, he wasted no time to step in and pull you into a hug.

a mess was happening in your head, so ridiculously dizzy from him - the masculine smell of his cologne filling your nostrils, his hands holding your body flush to him while yours gripped his black t shirt, so simple and casual but yet made him look so attractive.

or maybe that’s just because you miss him a lot.

jisung leaned away from your embrace, gently taking your hair out of your face while holding eye contact - hands flew to your hips.

"you look gorgeous. more than ever."

your arms secured their hold around his neck, feeling your cheeks burning red from his words, "just for you." you announced.

he nodded, "all for me."

you both smiled like two idiots in love as he leaned down to kiss you, mouths melting so sweet at first - tongues brushing here and there, hums being heard throughout the kiss, "so pretty in this dress." he mumbles in between.

his back hits the door as he closes it, left hand leaving your hips for a mere second just to lock it.  making absolute sure that no one will be able to interrupt.

jisung grabs a hold of your thighs to help you walk further into your room, so familiar to him.

all the times you've sneaked out, when jisung slept by and left jaemin's room in the middle of the night when he was in a deep sleep. all behind his back with so much carefulness.

when he lays you down he's quick to trail his wet kisses down to your neck, firm hands caressing your whole body, going up and down in motions.

you arch into him, playing with his black hair strands as his face rests on your chest, meanwhile his lips keeps smooching your hot skin.

you sigh in contentment, knees pressing together - trying to give him a sign that you're needy, so painfully needy for him.

"jisung i want- mhhm" your words get cut off by your own whine when his hand grabs the top of your dress to pull it down, hanging it just below your bra.

"don't want to take your dress off.. youre looking too beautiful like this." his deep voice quietly said.

you smile at his sweet comment, holding back all your whines combined with the feeling of his fingers messing with the lace of your white bra, throwing your head back with no shame when he pulls the fabric down to expose your breasts, still not taking it off your body.

"so pretty, princess. i could admire you all day."

cool air is fast to hit but it's soon replaced by jisung's hot mouth, circling your breast with his tongue, hand massaging the other while his mouth does wonders on your soft flesh.

when he reaches for your nipple you whine even louder, his saliva pooling and soaking your whole breast when he sucks it into his warm hot mouth, humming nonstop.

"you're crazy ji-jisung."

"should i stop?" he teases, leaning his mouth away from your nipple and replacing it with his finger, rubbing it.

"no for fucks sake.. but I'm trying so hard to keep quiet." your voice trembled slightly.

jisung looks at you then laughs, “they’re so wasted right now, no one’s conscious in that room, love.”

you pout at him, he softly traces your bottom lip with his thumb before kissing you again, “I promise you, it’s okay. but I need you to tell me it’s okay with you.”

his soft and caring voice did turn you on even more, it shouldn’t, but it made you wetter. eyes holding so much love and appreciation looking at yours - “I want this. I want you, ji.”

jisung smiles one more time, giving you a nod and resumed his work, mumbling a deep “fuck” under his breath when he tested the waters, hand went under your dress to feel your core.

he pulled the ends of your dress up to your stomach, your thighs ridiculously pressed together. you should be ashamed of how wet you were, but you’re not, not even a single bit.

he gives your thighs a caress, “let me spread them, hm?”

your breath hitches when he brings your knees to your chest, spreading you all open and full for him. jisung mentally coos at the scene in front of him.

just like your bra, white lace panties with a wet dark patch decorated in the middle, like a gift for him. it drove him crazy.

“did you miss me that much, princess?” you can only moan as response when he touches the wet patch with his finger before pulling the lace to the side, holding it in place with one finger, while his middle finger travels up and down your cunt.

wet, so fucking wet, “fuck. love, i might cum just by looking at this.” he cursed and cursed again, eyes wide open and looking straight at your puffy displayed cunt, so wet just for him. he knew that and so did you.

“oh fuck baby i can’t-“ jisung’s fingers spread you open to admire you better - in love, genuinely in love with how your pretty pussy shines for him, glistening and begging to suck him in.

he leans down fast enough to give your clit a quick kiss, “can’t stop thinking about how beautiful she is.” still caressing your core.

you moan his name desperately at his nasty but sweet comment, tons of whines and “jisung” ‘s leaving your mouth.

“ji please. want your fingers.” you manage to say.

“of course, gotta prep my beautiful girl.” he smiles, an expert finger circling your clit before diving down into your entrance. covered with slick, your cunt invites him just as soon.

experienced fingers pumping in and out continuously, you whine with your eyes closed at the sound of wetness.

jisung’s in complete awe, stoping his staring at your hole to kiss your face, first at the corner of your mouth, then at your lips, shutting your whines off.

“you’re perfect.” he leans away to say.

nothing’s more perfect in this world than the sensation of his long and thick fingers inside you, scissoring you and reaching the deepest and most sensitive spots ever. you’ll say that to him later.

you try to smile but you soon harshly bite your lip when he curled his two fingers inside, you yelped, “jisung! oh my god-“

he kisses you again, and again, until he’s satisfied and thinks you’re ready to take him. jisung’s fingers leave you empty, and you let out a cry - his eyes make their way to between your legs to see how you’re pulsating.

“never seen my princess this wet..” deep cocky voice says.

you reach out to take off your dress, “i’ve missed you.”

when your dress was discarded to the floor, he was quick to unbutton his jeans as they went to the same destination of your clothes.

you could see his erection through his boxers, and as much as you want to such him off right now, you’re needing him inside. now.

your panties were about to be discarded before jisung grabbed your hand and shook his head, “want them on, baby. s’ pretty. keep the bra too.”

knowing how he likes it with you, you turned around and pinned your front to the bed, arching your back and your ass in the air.

“fuck, just like that.” he pumps his cock at first, cooing you while you wait for him.

jisung’s hands flew to your back to arch it even more, then to hold your hips. he rubs the head of his dick on your entrance, how your pussy almost sucks him in just from the rubbing.

when he enters you, you let out a little too loud moan. hands clutching the sheets and tears filling your eyes.

he’s completely focused on how you keep clenching around him - the amusing view of your cunt sucking him all the way in, then out again.

your hips were pressed to his shaft, feeling him so fucking deep into your womb.

jisung coos again, “you don’t know how I’ve been dying for this.” he slaps your ass.

“jisung! jisung fuck, jisung.” you whine like a baby, lost in the pleasure. ass stinging from his big hand slap and cunt begging to be filled until you get sore.

“my love.” another slap, “fucking made just for me.”

his cock is so big and it leaves you like a babbling mess, so big that it almost hurts from how good it is, hits you in all places.

you both were getting closer, his thrusts started to get sloppier and messier, slower as he pulled away to release at your back.

your own release dripped down your pussy and thighs, while his hot cum painted your back down to your ass cheeks. what a scene.

“want them all to see this mess.. jaemin needs to see how you’re good to me.“ he admires the sight of your cunt clenching and unclenching around absolutely nothing but the air, “can’t believe you’re mine and no one can ever change that.”

you tiredly laid back on your back again, trying to fix your hair. jisung’s sweaty body joined you after tossing the dirty sheets aside, he breathes heavy, but still with that cute smile on his lips.

“do you think they heard something?.” you look up at him, voice low.

jisung thinks for a second, furrowing his brows, “i honestly don’t think so, baby. but you need to change these sheets..”

“of course i will, ji.” you laughed fondly. there’s still some questions hanging in the air, with what face will he come back to the boys?

“and if they ask you where were you this whole time and what were you doing…?”

“then i’ll just say that i was fucking the prettiest girl in the family and i don’t regret it.”

—

© 4chensungs

[jina1028]

Right one

Taesan x fem!reader

Word count: 4.7K

Categories: fluff, friends to lovers, slow burn (sorry it's so long), smut, virgin reader, older reader, daddy/mommy said as joke, kissing, cuddling, making out, handjob but not really (?), fingering, unprotected sex (don't do this irl), creampie, tell me if I missed something.

This fic is based on this anon request, hope this somewhat meets your expectations 🫶

English is not my first language, so constructive criticism is appreciated!

Reblogs and likes are very much appreciated but don't repost!

The characters and facts described in this fic don't represents real people or events.

🚫 MDNI 🚫

~♡~

“You know what, we should go on a trip together!”

Your best friend Dongmin - or Taesan, like you used to call him in your friends group because of his height - suggested after a long talk about how your lives had felt stressful lately.

You had broken up with your boyfriend about a month ago, finding out he had been cheating on you with two different girls. Not that you had lost much since you dated for about four months, but still it hurt so much when you thought you were on the same page, thinking about possibly having a future together, while he fooled around behind your back.

As for Taesan, he was tired from university exams and his part time job at a convenience store, and he was finally having a break from both in two weeks, according to what he was saying.

“I don't know… What kind of trip? I've never traveled with friends before.”

Taesan pursed his lips and rested his chin on his palm, humming as he criss crossed his long legs sitting on your couch with his elbows on his knees.

"Uhm, what if we go to Japan? Tokyo? Osaka? Both?”

Your head snapped to look at him with wide eyes, so fast you almost hurt your neck.

“Oh you meant a trip abroad?”

“So what, it's a short trip by plane.”

“Yeah but… it's gonna be more expensive if we gotta buy tickets, and hotel rooms…”

“Well, it's not like it would be much cheaper if we went, I don't know, to Busan by train, or Jeju… We'll need hotel rooms anyway, unless you wanna share a room with a man.”

You stared at him, thinking about his proposal about Japan.

“Fine, sounds good!”

He looked taken aback for a moment, widening his eyes to look at you.

“You really wanna share a room with me?” he pointed at his own chest.

You sighed, rolling your eyes “Not that, I was talking about going to Japan, let's do it!”

And so it was settled, you decided for Tokyo in the end, you booked your hotel rooms and flight tickets, and two weeks later you were there.

On your first day you just walked around Akihabara, looking into stores and chilling into cute cafes, where you insisted on him to wear cat ears and commenting on how cute he looked, trying to reach your hand to pet his head as he swatted it away, frowning and pouting, making you giggle at how he looked even cuter like that.

Later you just found a nice place to have a quick dinner and called it a day since you both were tired.

“You wanna sleep right away? I can keep you company and watch something on netflix if you're not too tired.”

You pondered Taesan's offer but decided to part ways at your door since you felt exhausted.

“I think I'll just take a shower and head to bed.” You yawned, waving and saying goodnight to your friend.

That night, as much as you felt drained of your energies, you couldn't sleep, tossing and turning, blaming it on the different bed, even though you had to admit the bed felt like a cloud. So what was the problem?

You grabbed your phone from the night stand and typed a message to your friend.

You asleep?

You waited for a bit but received no reply, so you just sighed and scrolled through your socials, waiting for morning to arrive so you could wake him up too early instead of waiting for his alarm to go off.

You started getting ready at 5.30 A.M. just so you didn't waste time after waking up Taesan.

When it was 6.30 A.M. you decided you had waited enough, so you called him.

You had to try twice before he picked up the phone, his groggy, raspy voice greeting you on the other side.

“Hello?”

“Good morning! Rise and shine, we have places to go, come on!”

There was silence for a few seconds.

“It's 6 fucking 30. Leave me alone.”

You felt your eyebrow ticking.

“You have no respect for your elders, do you?”

Silence again. He hung up. You sighed, getting up from the bed where you sat and went straight to his room next to yours, knocking on the white colored PVC.

You knocked again until you heard noises and curses behind the door, Taesan’s tall figure soon standing in front of you, holding the shin he had just hit on the furniture on his way to the door.

His hair was a mess, eyes half closed, a frown on his face as he hissed because of the pain.

When he straightened up you couldn't help but notice his pants tenting as your eyes shifted up from his injured shin to his face.

“Uhm, will you take care of your friend here before taking me into your room, please?” you teased him.

He looked down, then up again into your eyes with a half smirk on his lips.

“It's rude to just stare without shaking hands when you first meet someone, my friend is offended.”

“Dude, just go to the bathroom and do your stuff, let's meet downstairs!”

You hoped you hid your flustered expression well enough and stormed off without waiting for a reply.

The fact was, you were attracted to Taesan, he was good looking of course, and you felt some kind of chemistry around him. But you always thought it was one sided, and not wanting to ruin your friendship you always ignored the butterflies whenever he got closer to you or he pulled some flirtatious joke. The trip together seemed fun, until you started to realize being so close to him all the time was starting to get difficult on your part.

“So, what are we gonna do today? Any ideas?” Taesan approached you sitting on the sofa at the reception, scaring you as you were lost in thought.

You observed his relaxed features as you recovered from the jumpscare, hand resting on your chest.

“Oh, you don't seem grumpy anymore…”

He smiled innocently at you “Yeah, I took a nice, refreshing shower and now I feel great… So, where do we go today?”

You tried to ignore the subtle implication in Taesan's reply, your mind briefly going back to his accidental morning wood reveal.

“I was looking through the brochures at the reception and I really wanna try this onsen.”

You showed him the brochure where it described the type of service, the cost and how to reach your destination, which was a bit outside the city towards the mountains.

Taesan read a bit through it and eyed you raising his brows “You know we're supposed to be naked in there, right?”

“Yeah I know, but it's fine as long as we can cover ourselves somehow, like with a towel or something… And we can have a private room with its little private pool so we don't have to be naked in front of a lot of people like it normally would be!” you explained with your index finger raised.

“Somehow that's even worse…”

“What?” you couldn't hear him talking to himself.

“Nothing, if you really wanna go…”

“Yeah, I can't leave Japan without trying a real onsen!”

So after a couple of hours you were at the onsen reception, renting your private room and your bathrobes and ordering some food since you didn't have breakfast yet.

You both changed outfits and went to your room with food and drinks in hand, relieved to at least find some towels next to the little pool.

You ate chatting about what to do for dinner once you get back to the city, but when you finished your food the room fell silent.

“Well… Should we get in now?”

Taesan questioned, looking at you as he undid the belt on his bathrobe and started sliding it off his broad shoulders.

You panicked “Wait! Not in front of me! At least grab a towel first!”

You didn't know where to put your hands, on your whole face or in front of his crotch to block the dangerous area from your sight.

Taesan laughed out loud “Relax, I was just kidding, I'm not gonna flash you like this!”

“You little moron…” you cursed at him under your breath as he kept snickering, getting up to get a towel for himself and another one which he tossed at your face, trying to lighten the atmosphere and bring back your usual bickering mood.

You felt your face burning up as you told him to turn around while you wrapped yourself in the white towel and he did the same covering his waist and crotch.

You tried not to ogle at his broad chest, not wanting to get caught and give yourself away. You were starting to regret suggesting this kind of activity, overestimating your control over your emotions and body reactions, the butterflies in your stomach storming around, making you almost nauseous.

You both carefully dipped into the hot water, keeping your towels secured around your bodies and you tried to relax, closing your eyes and taking deep breaths as you rested your head on a smooth rock.

It was silent for a while and your mind started wandering until you felt like sharing some of your concerns with Taesan, who was sitting with his arms spread on the edge of the pool, eyes closed.

“Hey… I was thinking, what would you do if your girlfriend didn't have sex with you even after months into the relationship?”

“What kind of question is this?” Taesan furrowed his brows.

“Just think about it and answer. Would you cheat on her? Wait until she feels like doing it? What would you do?”

“Wait for her to feel safe with me, of course.”

You opened your eyes, side eyeing him as he still rested his head on the edge of the pool with his eyes closed.

“Be honest, I won't judge you…”

“I'm being honest, if I was into a relationship I would have love and respect for her, if I ever feel the need to cheat on my girlfriend, why keep the relationship going in the first place?”

“Right, that's a good point!”

“And” he continued “much before starting to think about cheating, which makes no sense to me, I'd try and understand why my girlfriend doesn't want to have sex with me, if I think that's an issue.”

“What if she's just scared… ‘Cause she's a virgin?” You eyed him, his eyes now open, staring at the plants next to the pool as he thought about his answer.

“I'd try to make her feel safe, and try not to make her feel pressured into doing it until she feels ready.”

He then shifted his gaze on your eyes “I'd feel honored to be her first, so I'd patiently wait for her.”

You hummed, letting his words resonate in your head, while you slowly slipped under the hot water surface, your nose barely out as you started feeling dizzy and closing your eyes. You could barely hear Taesan's voice calling your name as the heat got to your head and made you faint.

You opened your eyes, finding yourself laying on the wooden floor next to the pool, Taesan kneeling next to you, holding up your legs and fanning your face with the uchiwa the onsen provided you earlier.

He called your name again, a clearly worried expression on his face while you gradually regained conscience and he breathed a relieved sigh as you called his name and assured him you were fine.

“Lay there and keep your legs up, I'm calling the staff.”

“No no, I'm ok, just ask for some shaved ice so I can eat it and cool down a bit!”

“You sure?” Taesan eyed you suspiciously as he grabbed the phone.

“Yeah, I feel a lot better here outside the pool. I want melon on the shaved ice!”

He hummed, calling for room service, his eyes never leaving you as you kept fanning yourself.

“I'm ordering some cold noodles as well since it's lunch time already.”

The rest of the morning passed as you ate and relaxed, cooling down as Taesan constantly kept an eye on you, insisting on going back to the hotel right after lunch so you could rest in your room.

He allowed you some privacy just so you both could take a shower in your respective rooms then insisted on keeping you company watching netflix from the tablet in your room until dinner, which you ordered once again with room service.

“What do you wanna do after dinner?” you asked while chewing on your chicken skewers.

"What do you mean? We're staying in your room tonight, I wanna be sure you're not fainting again.”

“But-”

“We'll see what to do tomorrow morning after you rest.” Taesan stared at you.

“Ok daddy…” you teased him.

“Don't call me that, you're older than me, it makes me cringe.”

“You're implying you wouldn't mind me calling you daddy if I were younger?”

“It's not like that… How’d you react if I called you mommy?”

You almost choked on your water, a playful smirk on Taesan's lips as he watched you try to regain some composure.

“It's so fun, you always start shit then get flustered when I play your own game…” He got up from the chair and reached for the door.

“Gonna brush my teeth, I'll be right back. Find something to watch on netflix in the meantime.”

When you let him in your room again he went straight to your bed, fixing a pillow behind his back and watching you expectantly, making room next to him as you joined.

You chose something light to watch, just so you could relax before bed, all the while Taesan kept you close to him with his arm around your shoulders, stroking your arm gently and eventually resting his cheek on the side of your head, inhaling the faint scent of your shampoo.

You felt so warm, your cheeks heating up as you weren't used to such closeness, even though you enjoyed it.

When the movie was over and Taesan started moving to get up you suddenly clung to him and caged his arms and legs tangling yours together.

“Don't go, please…”

“What now, you wanna sleep together?”

When you didn't reply but just squeezed him more he squirmed just enough to free himself a bit and be able to look at your face, which you tried to hide against his chest, your eyes suddenly welling up with tears at the thought of being alone the whole night after the scare of that morning.

“Wait, you really want me to stay?”

“Don't laugh at me, I'm scared to be alone, ok?” You defended yourself.

“I'm not laughing at you. It's just, you acted so tough I thought I was the only one being worried… You really got scared, huh?”

He hugged you as you nodded your head as a reply.

“I'm sleeping here tonight if you want me to, don't worry.”

You eventually found yourself clawing at his white shirt like you were scared he would run away, as he shifted on his side to face you and get closer to you, his arm resting on your waist as you intertwined your leg between his.

After a while you thought he fell asleep as he didn't move anymore.

“Taesan…” you whispered and got no reply, but you continued anyway murmuring a little louder “Thanks, I really feel safe with you.”

He surprised you as he moved his arm, taking your hand into his big one, bringing it to his lips to kiss your knuckles as you stopped breathing for a second.

“I'm glad, I really care about you, even though I always nag you…”

You chuckled “I like it, secretly…”

“And secretly, I like you… A lot.” Taesan confessed, looking at you in the faint light coming from the city outside the window.

“You better never scare me again like you did today, ok?”

He held you closer to his chest as he pressed his lips on your forehead, his warmth somewhat comforting even in the warm early summer weather.

You snuggled closer to him if that was even possible and raised your head, your noses brushing together as you gazed at him in the faint light, silently asking for him to cross the already blurry line between friendship and something more.

And he finally did, cupping your warm cheek into his large hand, holding you like he was scared to hurt you, as he brushed his lips against yours, then pressing them together when he felt your arms gripping his shirt, nails lightly scratching his back through the thin fabric.

You both sighed as you parted from the brief kiss, knowing your relationship would change forever and there was no going back.

You smiled as he pecked your lips again and again, his hands wandering until one rested on your hip, his thumb brushing your exposed skin as your pink shirt rode up your waist.

You hummed against his lips as his hand slid to the back of your thigh, hoisting it up to hook around his own thigh, his kisses now becoming more hot and passionate, your little positive sounds and reactions spurring him on.

His wet tongue slipped past your parted lips as you threaded your fingers through his dark locks, your making out more and more intense as he subtly started to roll his hips against yours.

And you felt it, his stiff bulge pressing against your clothed heat, eliciting a shy moan from you as his movements put pressure on your clit, a damp spot starting to form on your panties now.

This was all new to you, you never felt comfortable enough to go past some kissing with your ex.

You felt scared and safe at the same time, you felt an intimate connection with Taesan you'd never felt with anyone else before.

His soft lips and tongue sent sparks through your body as he kept kissing you with fervor, then he moved to your cheek, your jaw, your neck, as he pushed you to lay on your back, slotting himself between your spread legs, hips rolling and pressing down on you.

You couldn't stop your moans when he found a sensitive spot on your neck, sucking and biting on it, goosebumps forming on your body and shivers making you squirm under his weight.

Taesan stopped after a while, sliding his hands under the hem of your shirt and looking at you, making sure you still felt comfortable as he lifted your shirt above your chest and helped you remove it, revealing your white, lacey bra, his breath catching in his throat as he admired you.

“Don't stare…” your feeble voice snapped him out of his awestruck state and he smiled at you, looking directly into your eyes.

“Sorry…” he apologized before lifting his own shirt above his head, thinking if he was naked as well you would feel a bit less self conscious.

And it worked, your mind too preoccupied deciding whether or not to stare at his abs, or chest or just focus on his eyes.

Then your wandering eyes fell on the obvious tent in his grey sweats, your bottom lip between your teeth as you ogled it, curious to know how it would look if he was completely naked, if it really was as big as it looked while still restrained in his pants.

Taesan followed your gaze, noticing how you subtly squirmed, not being able to rub your thighs together as they were spread around his legs while he kneeled in front of you.

He then gently took your hand in his and put it on his abs just above the waistband, suggesting you touch him where he needed it most, but still not wanting to force you.

You looked up at him and then back down again where your hand rested, pressing a little and dragging it down to stroke on top of his bulge, experimentally wrapping your fingers around it as best as you could while it was still clothed.

It felt hot, hard and big, almost heavy as you curiously seized it, moving your hand slowly up and down.

You heard a groan leaving his throat as your thumb reached above the tip and pressed a bit, continuing your experimental strokes when Taesan suddenly wrapped his fingers around your wrist to stop your movements, using his other hand to pull down his sweats and reveal a wet patch on the side of his grey boxers, where his swollen tip sat, painfully restrained by the fabric.

He brought your hand on his clothed shaft again, your palm now damp with his precum as you resumed your strokes, looking up at him as he spoke, voice unusually raspy and strained.

“See what you do to me? Think I'll go insane… fuck-”

He cursed as you pressed your thumb under his slit, his shaft twitching as you kept stroking until he had to grab your wrist and stop you, already close to release.

You looked at him, concerned that maybe you did something wrong.

“Feels too good, don't wanna cum in my pants…” he chuckled as he pushed you down on the mattress once more, kissing you, tongues tangling together as he slowly reached a hand to massage on your breast through the fabric of your bra, eliciting a moan as his fingers brushed on your nipple, his hand then inching down to your blue shorts, slowly slipping his fingers past your waistband, observing your reaction as you took shaky breaths through your slightly agape lips.

He grasped the waistband and pulled your shorts down, revealing your white panties as he smirked, noticing how they matched your bra and asking himself if it was possible you actually planned this beforehand.

Taesan took a moment to admire you as you tried to cover yourself with your arms, suddenly feeling shy, before he reached his hand between your legs to caress your heat through the fabric, sliding his index and middle finger down your folds, feeling how your wetness pooled on the seat of your panties, the small squelching sounds leaving no doubts as he moved his fingers slowly up and down and in slow circles around your clit, little moans and whines filling his ears as he went back to kissing and sucking on your neck.

You suddenly felt his fingers pulling your panties to the side, his digits sliding through your wet folds as he groaned in your neck, nibbling and pulling on the skin, his fingers slowly circling your entrance until you felt his middle finger slowly prodding at your tight hole.

You gasped as he slowly and gently pushed inside, not expecting him to push to the knuckle but he did, stilling as you adjusted to the intrusion, then slowly starting to massage your walls, slightly curling it and pressing it upward until he found your most sensitive spot, signaled by your moans increasing in volume and frequency.

As you were still a virgin, you felt incredibly full just with one finger so you got a bit apprehensive when Taesan carefully started pushing his second digit along his middle finger as he slowly pumped in and out, your walls tight around it.

You grabbed his wrist stilling his movement before he could properly push his second digit inside.

“Wait, I- I think it’ll be too much… I'm not… Used to it.”

Taesan kissed your forehead and locked eyes with you, his face still close to yours, sharing the same air as you breathed heavily.

“This is your first time, right?”

You knew Taesan was not dumb, he would put two and two together after the apparently random talk that morning about cheating and virginity, so you just nodded without questions, still looking into his brown eyes.

“You still want me to be your first?”

“Yes.” You replied without hesitation.

“Please, trust me. I'll make you feel so good, I promise…”

You nodded before he closed the gap and kissed you slowly, your tongues chasing each other as he resumed his fingers’ movements, your muscles eventually relaxing and he took it as a sign to push his second finger in.

And so he did, carefully stretching you as the initial burn subsided and you started enjoying the sensation of his fingers curling and pressing around your warm walls.

He kept at it for a while, your hips eventually moving on their own as you started clenching around his digits, your climax slowly approaching, when a whine left your mouth, his fingers retracting from your wet warmth before you could reach your high.

Taesan brushed a hand on your hair and pecked your lips as he pulled down your underwear, his own following soon, leaving both of you naked except for your bra.

He grabbed one of your thighs, his still wet fingers dipping in the plush of your skin as his grip tightened and he wrapped it around his waist.

Like that you finally felt his shaft directly pressing against your core, and soon you understood why he insisted on stretching you out a bit more with his fingers.

His swollen tip struggled to slip past your tight entrance as he tried to guide it inside of you using his hand.

“Baby, relax, you're so tight…”

His tip was barely halfway in when he started massaging your clit, more wetness seeping around your entrance as he slowly pushed, feeling your muscles spasming, relaxing just to tighten again and again around his tip, but he eventually managed to fit inside, pausing for a moment, breathing heavily as you got accustomed to the feeling and he kept massaging your swollen clit.

“Doing so good, taking me so well…” he praised you, kissing your cheek as you panted and whimpered as he slowly started moving his hips again, moving back a little, spreading your arousal and pushing back a little more, your walls gripping him every time he tried to pull out a bit, until he felt he could push a little bit more roughly and he did, unable to hold back anymore as he finally bottomed out and he started thrusting as gently as his pleasure filled mind could allow.

The stretch felt unfamiliar but enjoyable as he dragged his shaft in and out, hitting deeply, spurred on by your moans and whimpers, your nails finding purchase on his neck and back.

Then you heard your own voice like it was someone else speaking, urging him to give you more, to fuck you harder, to come inside of you and make you his.

“You sure? Want me to- ugh- fuck you harder? Like this?” Taesan punctuated his words with hard thrusts as he grabbed both your legs and put them on his shoulders, almost folding you in half into the mattress.

You couldn't recognize your own voice as you moaned loudly with each deep thrust, your eyes squeezing shut as you finally came hard on his pistoning shaft, your walls convulsing on him, arousal coating his length as he groaned at the feeling, precum mixing to your juices.

With a final hard thrust he fucked into your spent cunt one more time and stilled as he emptied himself inside of you, the feeling of his warm seed coating your insides making you clench on his cock one more time, moaning his name as you slowly regained conscience of who you were and what had just happened.

Taesan carefully pulled out, observing in awe as his cum seeped out of you, cursing at the arousing sight, biting his lip.

You sat up and reached for him, pulling his face to yours to share a passionate kiss.

He caressed your cheek and opened his mouth to talk at the same moment as you did.

“I love you.”

You both giggled, the same sentence coming out of your mouths at the same time, and you were sure Taesan was the right one all this time and you were glad he felt the same.

[thanosscross]

My Darling - Choi Seung Hyun/T.O.P x reader part 3

Summary: After weeks of thinking of ways to wrap up your tour, your boyfriend has the perfect idea, making your last show for tour a lot more memorable and less stressful

Warnings: None

Life couldn't be any better for you and your boyfriend, you hadn't fully made it official, but you and Seung Hyun agreed to stay committed to each other, which you were both fine with. As the months passed, so did your tour dates, getting closer and closer to your last show which started to weigh on you.

"Jagi..What's going on?" Seung Hyun asked as he walked into your shared home, you were only home for a few days before you had to leave again, so your boyfriend tried his best to be as present as possible while still keeping to his schedule "I can't think of anything for my last show! I need something big but I can't think of anything other than releasing the song we made, but I don't want everybody to think there's gonna be another album before the end of tour" You frowned looking at the spread of screens in front of you tiredly massaging your temples. Seung Hyun thought after that up until the day you had to leave, smiling at you with his adorable smile as he waited for you at the door "What're you doing?" You laughed raising your eyebrow at him "I was thinking... You know..You've really been helping me rebuild my reputation..And you're always there to make sure the critics aren't too harsh..so what if for your last show, we both release our single" He offered, you furrowed your eyebrows dropping your bags "Seriously? Seung Hyun, if you're serious that's amazing you feel ready again!" You cheered hugging him tightly "As long as I have you, I've got this" He smiled softly "So, I've got everything packed, lil guy is with your sister so he's being taken care of in doggy paradise, we are free to tour the road" He smiled, picking your bags up taking them to the car that was outside waiting, Seung Hyun smiled at your body guard nodding "Good morning" He smiled, happy to be able to see you more.

Rehearsal was hard on you, you weren't expecting your award shows performances to be demanding, and yet you were more worn out than you had ever been. Looking at the clock you groaned, only twenty minutes before you had to be back on stage to do it all for real. Looking towards backstage you offered your poor boyfriend a sad smile, feeling bad he had to sit back and watch you work for the next two shows.

They flew by rather quickly, leaving you in your hotel room the night before your last show, pacing the hotel floor nervous about every possible outcome, your boyfriend almost mimicking your behavior with his own worries. You jumped as you heard shouting and your body guard slide into the room holding the door shut "M-Ma'am, do you know a Ji-Yong, or G-Dragon? He says he knows the both of you" He asked, you tilted your head looking at Seung Hyun, watching his expression change through different emotions "Yea let him in" You replied resting a hand on Seung Hyun's chest as a form of comfort "Seung Hyun!" Ji-Yong shouted rushing in "Is it true? Are you really coming back to k-pop?" He asked rushing to his friend "He's not sure, we're taking it slow" You smiled softly extending your hand sweetly "Y/n l/n" You offered, he smiled stopping to shake your hand "it's so nice to meet you! I'm Ji-Yong, Seung Hyun's friend" He introduced, you shook his hand gently, glancing back to Seung Hyun "Y-Yea, Y/n's been a huge help with trying to restore my name back home" He explained nervously, you smiled, letting the two talk and catch up while you went to do you pre-show routine. Hearing your call you quickly moved to your mark on stage taking a deep breath as you started the show.

It'd be a full hour before Seung Hyun finally got his call, you stood in the center of the stage panting trying to catch your breath from the last show as the crowd slowly quieted down you lifted the microphone up "This next part..I know it will be hard, But I need you to contain yourselves, because he's-" As soon as the pronoun left your mouth the crowd erupted again, you nerves vanishing whenever you heard Seung's chuckle in your ear piece, knowing he was getting his microphone and ear pieces hooked up you knew you had to be quick. "-He's a little nervous about this, but we're excited to show you what we've been so busy working on.." You smirked turning around to face the entry and exit to the stage along with the giant big screen that was currently showing the same entry you were watching as the intro to your song started to play. "T.o.p is back, baby!" Seung's voice played over the track, having to cover your ears for a moment from the screaming echoing off of the walls you missed Seung rushing out on stage waving as the track cut out for a moment, letting the crowd process what was going on first. As Seung Hyun snapped out of his trance he made his way to you, wrapping his arm around you leaning close "Are you okay?" He asked softly, you nodded softly smiling at him "Yea, Wasn't expecting everybody to be that loud, but what can I say, everybody loves T.O.P!" You said shouting the last part into the microphone, he just chuckled shaking his head as he got into his mark.

Preforming with you was different than it was performing with BigBang, it was less people on stage, all of the attention was just on you and him, it was scary but at the same time he missed the feeling so bad, and as of right now, everybody seemed happy he was there. As Seung Hyun started his verse you made sure to circle around him, dancing overdramatically to his lyrics, along with adding in random back up vocals, your only goal was to make sure everybody had fun during the show, including Seung Hyun. He quickly turned his body to started moving towards you as you started to rap with him, staring him down as you both went faster and faster before you ended up stumbling over your words laughing loudly. You were quick to realize you wouldn't be able to end the show so soon after bringing Seung Hyun out, so of course you encouraged him to perform some of his songs with you, knowing both you and the fans would love it.

As Zutter started to play, you gasped sprinting across the stage, watching your boyfriend playfully hump the air to the lyrics "T.o.p! We are a PG show!" You giggled into the microphone, He just raised his microphone up making direct eye contact "Sorry, Jegi" He smiled, you just blushed running off to the other side of him "continue on! But PG!" You laughed, watching him from your spot as he preformed, almost like it was second nature to him, Seung Hyun always make sure to occasionally make eye contact with you as a silent way of letting you know he was okay. You watched him preform quietly until the final song started to play, Knock out, your eyes shot over to him as the crowd screamed loudly as you raised your microphone starting to rap Ji-Yong's verse, even making an effort to spot him out to get him to help him finish the verse off. As Seung Hyun finished his part of the chorus you both stood next to each other, laughing as you matched each others movements as you sang Ji-yong's double double combo part. As Seung Hyun started again, you followed him down the stage, mimicking his movements, freezing anytime he looked back, as the song approached its end, you and Seung Hyun partnered up to finish the last verse. As you finished the last word and went to strike a pose with Seung Hyun, he had already beat you to it, pulling you back to your platform that lowered you back underneath the stage to the backstage area, before cupping your cheek before raising the microphone up one last time "T.O.P, baby" he whispered before pressing his lips to yours, you giggled as the platform lowered and the crowd screamed loudly. Once you were under the stage and your microphones were off you looked at Seung Hyun squealing "That was so fun!" You giggled hugging him tightly "Thank you" He whispered, hugging you back gently "For what?" you asked, he just shook his head "Helping me so much..for seeing I'm still a person beyond my past mistakes" He whispered, holding your hands tightly "Of course, I'll always be there for you, Seung Hyun..I promise" You smiled, pressing a soft kiss to his lips before pulling him towards to stairs to take you backstage "Now come on! I took the liberty of making us an after party!" You smiled excited, you watched his face fall "I'm sorry, baby..I just..Don't feel like going out tonight" he frowned, you just smiled pulling him to your dressing room, which was decorated slightly, the only difference being the three men sitting in your dressing room excitedly waiting for the person they saw as an older brother for so long.

"What's this?" He asked cluelessly, you just shook your head "I figured, your comeback is a big thing, and the only family you really talked about celebrating with after shows was the boys, and your sisters family..So..Your sister can't make it till tomorrow night, so You'll get a night with the boys, and a weekend with all of your family" You smiled, turning to face him, Seung Hyun just hugged you tightly, trying to hide his tears, just in the few months you had been together, you had done so much for him, in his own interest, not your own, and it was one of the reasons he was starting to fall in love with you.

--

You like?

--

Taglist!!

@ag022123

@acehasmyheart

[panevanbuckley]

i don't know if you still take 9-1-1 prompts but i've been really loving your "eddie comes home" fics and i was wondering if you'd write some more "seal!buck comes home?" (aside from the series - also adore that!)

hope u have a great day!🫶

oh my gosh hi hello you sent this 4 months ago and i didn't take 9-1-1 (or any fandom) prompts at the time bc i was in a writing slump but i also haven't stopped thinking about this request since you sent it! and now i'm apparently writing again and so i offer you this very late fic, i hope it's sort of what you were after? 💜

by your bed(side)

[read on ao3] | buddie | 2.5k | gen

Helena is already grabbing Christopher’s coat. “Come on, sweetheart. You’re coming home with us for a little while.”

Christopher frowns, blinking blearily up at her. “Nana? Wha-” He sits up taller, eyes darting between each of the adults in the room. “I’m not leaving my dad.”

“He’ll be okay, you’ll see him once he’s better.” Helena reassures, reaching down to squeeze his shoulder.

“Oh yes, I’m sure he’ll be fine waking up to find that you’ve taken his son to another state after almost dying. How could you both be so selfish?”

Chris is starting to look upset now, his lower lip trembling as he looks down at his father. “I don’t want to go to Texas.” he whispers, his hand resting on Eddie’s leg. Bobby’s heart pangs, and he’s about to finally speak up when another voice cuts into the tension of the room-

“You’re not going anywhere, Chris.”

[projectjasper]

POND NARAVIT: On his rocky start in the entertainment industry and believing in yourself even when you don't succeed

[PART. TRANS. CREDIT]

Pond: Basically, in the five years I've been in the entertainment industry, I've never talked about this anywhere. This will be the first time I talk about it, now that I got a chance to finally debut with my friends.

The reason why I want to be a dancer/artist is because that's what I've always wanted, even before entering the entertainment industry. Going back around six years ago, in 2018-2019 - that's when I started dreaming about this. But I didn't dare tell anyone, because I was afraid people would think it's funny or something like that. Like "is that even possible?", so I've never told anyone. It was my passion and I was just trying to do it by myself.

As time went by, I tried more and more. But to be an artist, you have to have training and skills, which you need to constantly perfect. At the time, my family let me earn money on my own. I went to work part-time. It was some coffee shop, it was a while ago now. I worked there every day during school break. I worked until I saved some money.

Then, in the evening, past 6 p.m. I would go to dance classes. I didn't care that I had to wake up early, because this was something I really wanted to do. I thought that one day I could succeed at this, so I went to dance classes every evening. For about two or three months, I went there every day. But it was expensive and - what's more - time-consuming. Because, with dancing skills, it's not like you can do it for a couple of days and become good. At the time, I'd been going to dance classes for two months, but it wasn't enough to go to an audition or anything like that.

So I kept practising, but I also got into university and had to study hard there. I didn't really have an opportunity to go to dance classes as much because I had to focus on studying. We were poor. But there was an audition held somewhere and I decided to try. At first, I was very excited. But I didn't even go past the first round.

It was 2019, I was a kid, and I was like "What am I doing?" At first, to be honest, I was quite disappointed and really sad, because I remember trying very, very hard, waiting for this opportunity for so long, and then it just didn't happen. But though I was sad, I wasn't upset, because I felt like I just hadn't reach my full potential yet.

Then I tried to send an audition tape somewhere. The person contacted me back. I was so happy. At the time, it was like the greatest thing I've ever experienced in my life. Things went smoothly for a while, I almost got it, but there were certain circumstances that made it impossible to move forward at the time. They said: "Oh, the situation isn't right yet" or something like that. "Let's wait until everything is resolved, and you'll be contacted again".

I remember I was really sad about this because I thought they were just trying to be nice and comfort me. I was devastated, I was crying a lot. Because things went quite far, but then they ended up saying it couldn't happen because of the "current circumstances". And I just had to "wait until they contacted me again". I was so sad, I cried and I couldn't dance either. I basically stopped dancing for like a year. I felt really hurt.

Joong: [leans over to look at Pond]

Pond (to Joong): Don't cry, don't cry.

Pond: So there was a period when I just couldn't dance, I would think about it and I'd just get really sad. I couldn't do it. I couldn't even watch or otherwise consume anything dance-related. I just stopped completely, disappeared from the circle of friends who danced with me for a while. For almost a year. At that point I've been trying to do this for almost three years and it hadn't gone anywhere, it didn't work, so I just disappeared because i was devastated. I was so sad. Any time I thought about dancing again, I just thought about what happened. When those friends called me, I kept saying I was busy and making up other excuses.

But then something happened, exactly a year later. I got a call and they said: "Do you remember when we promised we'd contact you?" They really did, they called me back. All this time, I thought they were just trying to console me when they said that.

I was shocked. And I looked back at what I've been doing the past year and thought I shouldn't have stopped dancing. If I didn't stop, all my skills would still be there. But because I did, they started disappearing. They were gone. I had to practically start over with my dancing skills. I was also trying to sing, but that skill worsened too. As for rapping, I never practised it continuously in the first place. And oh, I was so stressed about it all. They told me: "See you in two weeks!" And I was sitting there, thinking to myself: oh no, what am I supposed to do? I can't do anything. So I was practising my dancing skills every day.

Pond: [points at Joong] You know this, you know.

Joong: Ooooh yeah! Woke up early and immediately went dancing!

Pond: I was dancing every day, I was dancing so much that my body could barely handle it anymore. I was working and studying hard at the time too. There was so much on my plate, my immune system was in bad shape. But I just felt like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. I wanted to do it. I didn't know what would end up happening, but I really wanted to do my best. I was ready to practice even until I died if necessary.

And with time, things were going okay, they were getting good. I was contacted again and they said they want to meet up. They wanted me to prove my talent one more time. And in the end, it didn't happen. I was so upset at the time, but then I thought: oh, that's alright, at least I've grown up during this experience. I wasn't going to cling to those missed opportunities anymore. If I focused on regret and stopped dancing again, the skills that I worked so hard for would deteriorate once more. And that's the story!

I want to tell everyone that no matter what your dream is - I want you to have this mindset. If it doesn't work the first time or something goes wrong, don't be sad or blame yourself. Don't blame others. Don't get so discouraged that you abandon everything. Think about it carefully. It's okay, just try again. Even if that one thing didn't work out, something better will come up in the future. But just prepare yourself, because if I didn't stop for an entire year back then, I might have even gotten that opportunity in the end.

Joong: One door closes but another opens.

Pond: Exactly.

BONUS: Five years later, he has achieved what he set out to do! 🫶

[hmhas-00]

Ch. 11

Hit Me Hard & Soft

A/N: i've been so busy but here's ch11!! I hope you like :)

~~~~~

Billie’s POV

I waited a while, checking my phone for a reply constantly but got nothing. I forced myself out of bed to get ready for rehearsal. I start the bath and undress, putting a Netflix show on my phone. I lower myself into the hot, bubbling tub and prop my phone up on the side.

I spend a while here, leaning my head back on the rolled up towel I set up for myself. I zoned off, thinking about switching out a few songs for tonight’s show.

As I drifted off into a daydream, my phone began buzzing. I opened my eyes to see it was Remy calling. Before I could dry my hands off, it slid towards the edge of the tub. My attempt to catch it failed, and my phone fell inside the water.

“FUCKING HELL BRO.”

I fished it out of the bath water, trying to answer the call anyways, but the screen was completely glitched out. Immediately, I got up and tried to dry it with a towel, shaking the water out of the charging port, only to realize my phone was completely messed up.

“You have to be fucking kidding me!” I grunted, sitting back down in my bath and throwing my useless phone at the floor. This is the least relaxing bath I’ve ever taken in my life.

I quickly drained the bath and took a shower, trying my best to not get into an irreversible horrible mood. When I finished getting ready, I threw an oversized hoodie over my outfit, put my hair in a pony tail, and left for the venue to start rehearsal.

******

“In the bathtub? No wonder you weren’t answering me.” Finneas tuned his guitar, prepping for sound check.

It was already 4:30pm, and we were getting ready before the concert at 7pm. Finneas joining me on stage for the next three days was the main thing keeping me going.

“Yeah, I was gonna ask, do you have an extra phone I can borrow for now?” I laughed, waiting for our sound guy’s sign to start testing the mics.

“We can get the team to get you a phone by tonight.” He laughed along with me.

“Actually, I was gonna tell you… Before I drowned my phone, I texted Remy.”

“You did?” He looked at me, wanting to know all the details.

“Yeah, I don’t know if you saw her instagram post, but when I saw it, I just wanted to talk to her… Tell her how much I miss her.” I looked down at the mic, fidgeting.

“What did you text her?”

“It’s literally so dumb. I feel so stupid, dude…”

“Tell me!” He begged, excitedly.

I cleared my throat and paraphrased, “I said… I saw your wall, it’s incredible.”

He laughed, leaning back and smacking my arm. “Literally no one… Trump fans.”

“Shut the fuck up!” I cringed at myself, laughing with him. “And then I just double texted her, and told her I missed her, and I wished I was with her in her newly painted room.”

“That’s rough, man.” He caught his breath, finishing up his guitar sound check. “Please tell me she answered before you destroyed your phone.”

“She called AS my phone jumped in the bath with me, dude.” I groaned, pouting while stifling a laugh.

“Fuuuuck!” He chuckled. “You wanna use my phone and give her a call back?”

“I was gonna call her from the hotel phone after the show. I don’t want her to think I purposely ignored her call.”

“So this is your first time speaking in over three weeks, huh? That’s almost a month. Have you thought about what you’re going to say?” He walked with me to the greenroom as we talked.

“Sort of. I’m going to apologize for sure. Hopefully, it goes well, and she forgives me. Hopefully it won’t lead to an argument. She’ll probably want to talk about it, though. I just don’t want to mess up and say the wrong things, you know?”

“Just speak from your heart. Don’t hide anything, leave it all out in the open. That’s just my advice.” He patted my back and grabbed a snack from the table.

“Yeah. I hope I can do that. I hope she even answers.” I shrugged, thinking about the possibility that she may not even want to talk anymore.

What if she changed her mind. What if me not answering hurt her feelings. What if she was just calling to tell me to go fuck myself instead?

“Let’s see right now.” Finneas immediately dialed her on his phone, putting it on speaker.

“No!” I covered my mouth and held my breath. I guess there would never be a better time to rip the bandaid off.

It rang for a while, the dial tone continuing on, until her voicemail greeting played. He hung up.

“Maybe she’s busy?” He looked at me, trying not to let me down.

“Maybe.” My heart drops. She usually answers Finneas, so the fact that she didn’t, made me feel like she didn’t want to hear from, or about me. Like she figured I was still on my bullshit and Finneas was calling to fix it for me. I fucked up. She’s probably hurt. I double text her, then I decline her call. She must think I’m the worst.

Finneas pats my back and gives me a sympathetic smile. “Don’t worry.” He says.

The day goes on, my body traveled through space and time in autopilot. It passed by in a blink, and suddenly it was time to perform. I tried my best to get excited for the show while Finneas and the rest of the crew hyped me up. Before I knew it, I was on stage catching that adrenaline rush that was so familiar to me.

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

After the show, I ran under the stage and back to the green room to grab some water and have a breather. Finneas trailed behind me, plopping on the same couch from earlier. It was a pretty known ritual of mine to immediately have some alone time to catch my breath after a show, mostly to keep the crew or management from rushing me all at once. I gave Finneas a heads up that I’d be getting un-ready in my dressing room, and made my way over.

I stretched my arms over my head and let out a giant yawn as I approached my room. Turning the knob, I swung the door open, exhausted from quite the performance I had put on, both physically and mentally.

Inside the room sat a pretty brunette facing the vanity mirror, holding an enormous bouquet of white, long stem roses. She straightened her posture and watched me through the reflection. Her back faced me until I stepped in and closed the door behind me.

“Remy?” I took a step closer. She turned around, remaining seated in the velvet stool. I almost didn’t believe it was real. I wanted to pinch myself but I was found half paralyzed, barely able to form full sentences.

“Hey, you.” She shyly spoke, her voice filling my heart with warmth and relief. She held the flowers out to me, standing up and looking at the brown-paper wrapped two-dozen in her hands. She struggled making eye contact and her arm was a bit shaky.

I stepped forward, moving the flowers out of the way and pulling her into my arms. We said nothing for a while, steadying our heartbeats. I indulged in our embrace, swaying back and forth out of habit. I focused on the reflection on the mirror in front of me, taking a mental picture of this moment. Her chin rested on my shoulder, her head only half an inch lower than mine. Her arms wrapped around my torso, and my hands on her upper and lower back. For three weeks, alI I needed was this hug.

Finally we broke the silence, “I’m sorry.” We both blurted out.

I pulled away, looking at her delicate face. She looked back down at the flowers, avoiding my gaze. Her makeup was done so lightly tonight, with a thin winged eyeliner standing out. I looked at her perfectly high cheekbones, noticing just a bit of shine added to them. Her hair was done in loose, wavy curls, with her curtain bangs remaining straight. Her lips were brushed over with a sheer gloss, her lips naturally plump and mauve. At the sight of them, I tucked my bottom lip under my top one, thinking before I let myself speak and ruin everything.

“Remy, I’m the one who should be sorry.” I finally mustered up the courage to talk, although careful not to reveal too much. “I fucked up. I didn’t know what the hell I was saying. I’m an idiot, I thought I was helping, but I was just being selfish. And this whole time I thought I was angry at you, but really-“ I stopped myself, noticing her long eyelashes batting at me.

I paused, taking a deep breath and giving myself a moment to think before continuing. “I was angry at you for nothing. I was wrong. I shouldn’t expect you to listen to everything I say, or make decisions about your career based on-“ I sighed, feeling like I could never find the words. I was tip toeing around the real problem, just like Finneas said. I wanted to be honest with her so badly, I did. I knew I couldn’t. It wasn’t the right time.

“It’s okay. I forgive you. I’m sorry, too.” She looked directly in my eyes. Her stare felt like knives jabbing into my soul.

“No, don’t apologize-“

“Let me apologize. Please.” She started, handing me the bouquet that she had trimmed and prepared herself. “I know I’m not the easiest person to be friends with. I have a lot of baggage, and-“

“Stop. Don’t say that-“ I hated hearing that. I hated thinking I contributed to her feeling this way.

She protested, “No, it’s true. We’ve been friends for so long, and you’ve been there through everything. You did pick me back up, and maybe that does give you the right to feel like you have to protect me and shield me from everything.”

I swallowed, admiring the roses in my hand, while listening to her soft voice.

“But you have to let me make my own choices and my own mistakes. And I need you to support me, because you’re all I have.” She began to cry, “Billie, this month has been so hard without being able to just text you or call you, and then you casually text me-“

I quickly put the roses on the vanity next to us and brought her into another hug. “I’m so sorry, Remy. I’m so stupid. I should’ve been more supportive. I’m stubborn and I think everyone should just think like me. I just wanted you to be happy. And it just felt like you’d be happier if I didn’t butt in on your life…” I gently placed a hand on the back of her head. Her hair smelled like jasmine and vanilla, and felt silky smooth. “It just hurt. Some of the things you said hurt, and I’m so fucking stubborn.”

I pulled away, grabbing both of her hands. A small gasp escaped my lips, “And today, when you called me, the reason I didn’t answer is because my phone fell in the bathtub and it fucking broke, I swear to god I wasn’t ignoring you. That time.”

She nodded, smiling a bit. That smile she held back from me, although minuscule, meant the world to me.

“I promise you, no more telling you what to do, no more harsh, unnecessary comments about your work. I’m going to support you, no matter what. If you ever kill Joe, I’ll be your alibi, we’ll bury the body together.”

She let out a small laugh. I made her laugh. Thank God.

“That was a joke.” I smiled. “I’m sorry for being so-“

She shook her head, “Me too. I’m sorry for complaining so fucking much. I understand why you want me out of there so bad. But I need to keep pursuing this. I feel it. Trust me, okay?” She smiled, letting go of my hands and wiping her tears. “And I’m sorry for saying that shit about you before I left the car. It’s not true. You’re not like that at all.”

I nodded. “It’s okay, I deserved it. I was such a dick, Remy.” I rubbed my eyes and took my hair out of the messy ponytail. “Let’s get out of here. We’ll go anywhere you want.”

“Billie.” She grabbed my arms, grazing my skin softly with her fingers. Her touch gave me goosebumps.

“Yeah?”

“I know you love me.” She looked directly into my eyes.

“You do?” My heart dropped all the way down into my ass. My stomach turned and my knees weakened.

“Yeah, you’re the greatest friend I could ask for.” She smiled.

The word friend echoed in my head, giving me the urge to break my neck right in front of her. However, I thanked my lucky stars that’s what she meant. This meant nothing had changed, and we’d continue as normal. As best friends…

[dharmafox]

Rewatched "Zashiki Warashi," jotting down some thoughts before they go.

The contrast in pace between the movie and this arc in particular seems very pointed. "Zashiki Warashi" is filled with looooong pauses. It takes an almost meditative pace, especially compared to Karakasa's frenzy of fast cuts.

In light of the information we now have about the swords and associated Trigrams, the use of fire and water imagery in this arc is fascinating. The pattern on the fire screen is not only flame but also, which I saw very briefly, some sort of bird. Probably a phoenix? Kusu also seems to detect the presence of the mononoke the moment Hisayo lights the fire in Shino's room.

Kon Kusu may be a bit more dramatic that Ri Kusu when asking people for their Truth and Regret, but honestly not by much.

When Kusu asked Shino who Naosuke (the assassin) was, she looked uneasily at Hisayo and Tokuji before answering, as if she wasn't sure she could trust them with the information. But she didn't show any suspicion of Kusu at all or any other hesitation in answering his questions. Keep in mind this is a guy who broke into her hotel room, has been saying and doing insane shit, and seemed almost amused by the mangled corpse on the ceiling.

Shino said her baby would be born in about four months, meaning she'd already been pregnant for about five months. Where was she? What was she doing? Did her former employers just let her hang out for five months before they started trying to kill her?

Not a new thought, but I've always loved how Kusu is with Shino in this arc, particularly when she's about to give birth to the Zashiki Warashi.

Shino: I'm going to do the stupid thing!

Kusu: No. Don't.

Shino: Here I go! I'm doing it!

Kusu, standing on the opposite side of the room, not budging: Stop.

Whether or not they're connected like I think they are, there was definitely a part of him that wanted her to let that mononoke out.

[specialagentartemis]

Tagged by @professionalowl and also @wizardysseus (almost a month ago but know I've been thinking about it!)

Books I want to read in 2025, one for each month:

The Odyssey translated by Emily Wilson. I’ve tried to read this twice before but fizzled out in the introduction. But this year I am more renewed with the desire to read it than ever!

Witch King by Martha Wells. I have it! I just… haven’t read it yet.

Nona the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir. Look at this fool who still hasn’t finished Nona lol.

City Spies by James Ponti. I even have a copy and I’ve heard rave reviews haha.

Magebike Courier: Flight of the Fallen by Hana Lee. I read the first book last month and liked it; the sequel comes out next June and I’m looking forward to it!

The Popol Vuh translated by Allen J. Christenson. He did a prose version and a poetry version. Reading the Iliad and the Epic of Gilgamesh gave me a hankering for more Great Classic Epics

The No-State Solution: A Jewish Manifesto by Daniel Boyarin. Boyarin is one of the most interesting and incisive nonzionist Jewish political philosophers I’ve read; I’ve read a few articles by him, and oh boy does he write like a philosopher, so I’ve been a little daunted to crack open this book even though it’s not actually long, but I really do want to read it because if anyone has unique and useful insights it’s him.

The Serviceberry: Abundance and Reciprocity in the Natural World by Robin Wall Kimmerer. It just came out and I haven’t had the chance to read it yet but I WANT TO

The Mismeasure of Man by Stephen Jay Gould. Time to admit I'm a POSER, I’ve read selections from it for class and they were brilliant and insightful but I've never sat down to read the whole thing through.

The City in Glass by Nghi Vo. I’ve heard weird things about it but I haven’t disliked a Nghi Vo book yet.

Mis 50 Años de Vida Asexual by Rafael Torres Sebagg. A short memoir of growing up asexual in Argentina in the 70s and 80s. I’m gonna finish my English translation of this this year, I’m GONNA

Time to Orbit: Unknown by Derin Edala. Got these for Christmas and I'M EXCITED

tagging @needlesandnilbogs, @clonerightsagenda, @consolecadet, @ilovedthestars and @grammarpedant - what books do you want to read in 2025?

[butterflys-corner]

Hey! I was hoping I can make a request for an angst! Zoro x Reader fic. Maybe where the reader and him have been together for over five months but unfortunately the reader isn’t getting the emotional connection she’s been wanting and Zoro only knows physical.

Then when she confront him about it after having enough, he just dismisses her and calls her a distraction, whiiich leads to them breaking up 😁

I loooove angst and you can add some nsfw details in there if you’d like

Welcome to tumblr btw!

I can definitely do that! That's such a good idea.. I don't think I've seen anything (yet!) with this theme. And thank you for the welcome :)

R͓̽e͓̽q͓̽u͓̽e͓̽s͓̽t͓̽: "Distraction" - Angsty Zoro x reader. The reader and Zoro have been together for over five months, but he hasn't been giving her quite the right type of love she needs. They argue and, from Zoro being stubborn, break up. Fem! Reader. Music inspo: Kiss With a Fist - Florence and the Machine

ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢꜱ: ᴀɴɢꜱᴛ, ᴀʀɢᴜɪɴɢ/ꜰɪɢʜᴛɪɴɢ, ʙʀᴇᴀᴋ ᴜᴘ, ʜᴜʀᴛꜰᴜʟ ᴡᴏʀᴅꜱ, ᴍᴇɴᴛɪᴏɴ ᴏꜰ ɴꜱꜰᴡ.

Zoro never thought in the years of his life that he would be here, in this impossible to leave room, in this equally impossible stalemate of a conversation. Or was it an argument? He wished he knew didn't know.

You, the one person (other than Luffy) that he could stand every single day, had been angry with him over the dumbest thing to him.

"You know, I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to try this," your grating voice nagged him on. He just wanted to nap, but no.

"You either don't respect me, or you don't actually want to be with me." That caught his attention through the sleep settling in on his bones. Don't want to be with you?

"The hell are you on about, woman?" He spoke lowly, not wanting the entire crew in their business. His three swords rested against his broad chest as they usually did, his back against the mast.

"You not showing me proper affection. Like... holding hands or kissing me. Hell, even naps together seem like an obligation to you."

This was news to him. Your relationship seemed perfectly fine like enough to him. You sat beside each other at dinner, you watched him train and exercise, you napped together, you shared his cabin, what else did you-

"Gods, Roronoa. Even a single 'I do love you. I do need you. I don't want you to leave.' would work. But you can't say that, right? You only love those damn swords!"

"Will you shut up?! Why do you have to nag me every damn day? Everything I do you have some kind of issue with."

"I wouldn't have to if I felt loved! Like I felt when you first told me about having feelings for me!"

"I do. I.." He couldn't spit out the words. Those two words held a weight so heavy even he couldn't lift it. He felt almost.. helpless.

"You can't even say you love me. I thought as much." He watched as your arms crossed over your chest, the soft features of your face now harsh and angry toward him. In another instance, he would revel in that look. But now? Now he could only stare back cold and firm.

"Then what?" Your eyes bore holes into his head, but you stood tall. Before the thoughts formed in your head to respond, a scoff left his throat.

"You gonna leave me?"

You felt your head shake in disbelief, a scoff of your own leaving your throat.

"Maybe I will. You're a fucking asshole, Zoro."

"And you're-" don't say it.

"-just a-" don't finish that sentence.

"distraction." ...damn it.

He expected you to blow up. To scream at him across the ship like times before. To storm off with the heat of a thousand suns for him to cool you off later.

But the silence you gave him sent chills down his spine. The cold eyes on him were like ice, ever stuck on the glare he gave back.

"Fuck you." Was all you gave him. A quiet, bitter two words and you walked off like nothing happened.

"...shit." The word slipped his mind to his lips, the weight of the argument growing heavier than those three words you just wanted him to say. Why couldn't he just say them?

A sigh escaped his lungs and he shook his head, opting to nap away his stress. But sleep never stuck as he'd wake up every twenty minutes.

Pale eyelids flicked open and dark eyes scanned the vast waves ahead. He knew he would have to apologize somehow. He can't leave it that way.

So that's what the stubborn swordsman sought out to do. Zoro knows you had nowhere to go but your cabin, so his feet took him there without hesitation.

You were staring up at the ceiling of your cabin, endless thoughts swirling around in your head. If Zoro was pretending to care physically, what did he really think of you?

Were you just a love sick fool with rose tinted glasses this whole time? Did you let more than half a year pass under the guise of puppy love?

Gods, you were a fool.

Why would a man like Roronoa Zoro waste his time with a woman with a goal as huge as his? To be the World's Greatest Swordsman. There wasn't room for a woman in the equation, let alone affection or romance.

Grabbing the nearest pillow, you scream into the plush thing, your frustrations being released against the cotton. After the long outburst, your chest heaved against the silent room as your heart pounded in your ears.

Knock. Knock.

"Go away, Zoro."

"No. Open the door."

You grow silent, hoping that would deter him. But boy were you wrong.

"You know I'll break this damn wood to get in there."

A grumble and squeak of your bed, then you're up and opening the cabin door.

"The fuck you want now?" You all but spit, the harsh tone meeting the deserving mosshead.

"Can I come in?" His voice was low, and you noticed the slight glint in his eye. The one that you learned was a telltale sign that he was guilty of something.

"Fine," you sigh out, stepping aside.

"I came to talk. You didn't have to walk away like that." Your eyes scanned your complicated partner as you sit down against the bed again. He shut your door lightly behind him, assuming a seat along the floor.

"Like what? Like I'm angry? I am." You cross your arms over your chest, crossing your legs against the bed.

"Like you want nothing to do with me," the murmur was thick with previously hidden emotion as your eyes fell to him.

"I don't. I'm a distraction, remember? If that's all I am to you, I don't want it."

"You aren't just-" Mosshead grumbles, the inflection in his voice obviously from keeping a level head right now. "Forget it. I'm clearly wasting my time. Goodnight, Tiny."

"Don't call me that. L/N is fine."

"L/N now? Fine. Don't come cryin' to me tomorrow."

"Excuse me?" You raise an annoyed eyebrow and lean closer to the swordsman.

"You heard me, L/N. Don't bitch to me." The muscular man stood up, beefy arms crossed over his toned chest.

"Get out. I don't need you. I.." don't say it.

"You what?" She hates me.

"Gods, I fucking hate you!" You don't mean that.

"Yeah? I hate you, too. You're a pathetic," no. "weak," no, stop. "stupid woman that nags and nags me every damn day. And you know what? That's fine. You can find someone new," No. I want you. "to nag."

"Well, guess what," You stood up from the bed, the usual anger he expected bubbling up to the surface. Though, he found no humor or playful sass back at it. Just disappointment buried in his chest.

"You, Roronoa Zoro, are incapable of loving someone. You care only for being the strongest swordsman, but guess what? You can't. Even a man like Mihawk would have a love of his own that he fought for. But you? You have nothing." Your smaller hand had pressed against his thick pectoral, pushing him back until he was flush against the cabin door. "Now, get the hell out of my cabin."

"Fine." It's not fine! "Fine." It's NOT FINE!

And after that hurtful exchange, a heavy silence filled the room. The swallow of thick saliva cuts through the tension, Zoro taking the chance to leave your cabin, and your life.

When had the tears started?

Note: I hope I did it justice! Thanks for reading! <3 Credit for Zoro layout: @btslayouts Repulsion header credit: @gaecoo Pearl border credit: @chilumitos

[weebsinstash]

Someone sent me an ask about, "do I have any angsty ideas for yan Lucifer x Reader" and it's like honey I have THE angsty idea. It's basically an idea I've already shared except bumped up to 11 inspired by miscommunication and misunderstanding tropes like in all those manhwa and c-dramas I love

So I guess to just come right out and say it, because the attempt to answer the ask a little more naturally got way too long, my angstiest saddest idea for Lucifer x Reader, one of those really miserable, wallowing in sadness kind of prompts, is: you die, find out Lucifer is your soulmate, you reject him not wanting trouble and also he literally already has two wives and a daughter and it feels, weird intruding on his family unit, but you two eventually become closer and through some alcohol related shenanigans you get pregnant and Lucifer proposes you get married, but a few months before the wedding, Lilith shows back up, Lucifer is all over her, and instead of a scenario where Lucifer is managing to juggle both you and Lilith and Lilith is going out of her way to include you, the second she's back Lucifer prioritizes her almost exclusively, and it eventually leads to you beginning to become so stressed and hostile you wind up getting into arguments with both Lilith and Lucifer, a rift beginning to form between you as Lucifer becomes more upset there's tension between you and his wife, and bwcause of the constant extreme stress and potential other factors out of your control, you wind up losing the baby.... and then Lucifer accuses you of doing something to the pregnancy to get back at him, accuses you of trying to get his attention or manipulate him using the baby, and by the time he finds out the truth, you've already been grieving alone and have completely closed off your heart

I can just picture, how incredibly painful it would be, to not just have to be grieving, but for your partner to basically be saying, "well... haven't you been jealous of me giving this other person a little more of my time? Didn't you do this to get back at me?" when you are literally a victim. I feel like that would be the worst for me: knowing I'm innocent but that someone who is supposed to love and trust me even considered I was capable of such an awful thing. When people reveal they think things like that about you, it damages your relationship, because, why don't they know who you really are? Why would they think you're capable of doing something you're not? They think you're more cruel and inhumane than you actually are? What other things do they think you're capable of, then?

I can just picture.... you begin miscarrying and Lucifer isn't even around; he's off doing something with Lilith and Charlie and you're completely alone to get yourself to the hospital. You lose your baby alone. You discharge yourself against medical advice because you feel like you've truly lost everything. You're trudging back up to the Hotel and Lucifer just greets you like nothing has happened because he doesnt even know, and...

My brain just really keeps making it so dramatic and painful, like, a scenario where before Lilith came back Lucifer would come up to you and say things like "how are you two doing?" And putting his hands on your belly because he with his powers and Hell being his dominion can feel the life growing inside of you, and, after you miscarry he's walking up to you like normal and just, freezes. His mouth hangs open as his eyes drop from your face down to your tummy and then, slowly dragging back up to you

First words out of his mouth, "... what did you do?"

You're too hurt and horrified to even defend yourself as he starts completely breaking down, because for him, he isn't grieving the loss of your child WITH you: he's thinking you intentionally killed it and he feels genuinely betrayed by you. He's thinking not only has he lost his baby, but that it was something you intentionally caused. He just starts screaming all sorts of things and accusations on his grief, "why would you do this just to hurt me?!" "Out of everything you could have done to get my attention, our fucking BABY?!?" "I know you've been jealous of me and Lilith but this?! THIS?!?!" "We were supposed to be a family!!! How am I going to tell my daughter you killed her baby brother?!"

It twists into a fucked up scenario where Lucifer genuinely believes you caused your miscarriage but even through it all he still has this unbreakable demented love for you, and just... imagine after that first day with all of his grieving and screaming that you're essentially... locked away. You aren't allowed to leave the Hotel anymore. Lucifer doesn't take you out. He'll barely come to see you. You basically don't leave your room anymore. Charlie can't even face you; in a way she blames herself for trusting you and, allowing you to hurt her, her father, and... what would've been her baby brother, and this all of course means Vaggie no longer tolerates you as well. The only people in the Hotel who treat you with anything resembling kindness are people who genuinely don't give a fuck about the situation. Part of me wonders if Alastor would be your only confidant, as the only one who would have any skepticism. Since he's so attached to his own mother, I like the idea that seeing Reader be excited about motherhood drew him in more to you, made him more attached and protective, and while he can't exactly do anything to intervene, he gives you the occasional small kindness that keeps you from going completely insane

but you wanna know what the saddest part of this idea I've had that keeps coming back and scratching my brain. The idea that, after you miscarry, because of the extreme stress and trauma of the loss and how much everything hurts at that exact moment, while you are there at the hospital, you refuse and put off scheduling the... removal procedure, and you develop essentially an extreme trauma where you do not want the doctors to remove the deceased fetus because, in your mind, your baby was the only and last person who ever had and ever will truly ever love you, and you can't bear literally cannot bear the thought of your son leaving your body in any other way other than being born and being able to be held in your arms, but... that's not..... viable anymore.... so over time you just start going septic and start becoming seriously ill. You keep talking to your belly like your baby can still hear you. You think to yourself, that you and your baby can rot away together. You'll be together for as long as you can. They won't take your baby from you. They can't take him away. You won't let them

meanwhile Lucifer has been been clinging to Lilith in his grief, yet, she can't bring him the same comfort that she used to be able to; she realizes the power of the feelings and the connection Lucifer has with you, how it's unique and different from his love for her. His love for you and his pain is so deep that Lilith cannot even properly soothe his heart, and he'll even hide some moments from her, too, become a little closed off to her like anyone else.

Eventually the hospital calls, but they call Lucifer because for one you no longer are allowed to have a phone and aren't answering their attempts to contact you first but also, since Lucifer was the father, he's technically involved. Just. Just picture Lucifer in the depths of anger and grief getting this phonecall, "hey sir? Sir? Hospital here. We know this is a time of deep mourning but have you and your wife (he was secretly having them call you his wife long before you two were engaged) decided when to schedule her procedure? This is going to get extremely dangerous if we don't act soon"

Like really just picture you miscarried like WEEKS AGO and Lucifer has been keeping you basically in home imprisonment and you've become almost completely socially isolated and cut off from the rest of Hell and Lucifer is JUST NOW finding off from like some random fucking clerk, "abortion? Sir, no, what? She had a miscarriage, I was there??? She hemorrhaged??? She kept screaming if it came down to her and the baby that we need to save the baby??? Sir??? Have you... spoken to your wife???"

but Lucifer is still in a state of denial, because, once his brain truly processes what's happened, that's when he has to re-process all the trauma and anger and sadness and guilt all over again, so, here he is, not going to you, but to the hospital, and now he's looking at security footage of you being wheeled down the hallway screaming your baby's name.

Can you picture like, the recording has audio and at one point you start to call out for him and you stop, and Lucifer watches as you start praying to God and asking God for help instead, wailing about "there's no soul more innocent than an unborn baby, please don't take my baby, please don't punish him because of me". Lucifer sees that you truly didn't trust him when you needed him most. It hurts almost as bad as the loss of his son.

I can also picture, maybe in your panic and grief you say things like, "please, please save my baby, he's the only person who loves me" or "please, don't let MY son die" or just... lucifer can see IN the hospital that you were already having these extreme doubts he loved you even before he accused you of, you know, being a baby murderer

Lucifer having Extreme Mental Breakdown 2 Electric Boogaloo right there in the hospital as he finally fully processes that you organically miscarried and he like a fucking dumbass accused you of being responsible and proceeded to lock you away and treat you like shit. His brain wants to reject the reality immediately: no, no, he never would have hurt you like this if he'd known!! Why wouldn't you just tell him you miscarried?! Why would you let him believe you were a killer?!

It's way way wayyyyy too late for apologies but he goes to you to give you one anyway, but more importantly, he has to get you treated, and it's salt in his wounds as he has to basically force you to go to the hospital, I mean literally has to drug you or knock you out with magic because you're screaming and howling at him like an animal that "he can take everything else from you but you won't let him separate you from YOUR baby" and throwing things at him and even trying to stab him. Now Lucifer gets to feel like shit Part 3 because at the hospital here the doctors are, "dude she is so fucking sick right now??? nurse look at these charts she has lost so much weight just from a few weeks ago??? bro there is so much infection in her fucking blood she's gonna start seizing or some shit" and it's just, another thing to stab Lucifer in his heart, that on top pf the miscarriage he also had no idea you were sick, or worse, he noticed certain signs beginning to develop and he accused you of being on drugs or drunk and brushed it off because at that point he was so angry at you that, maybe a small part of him thought you deserved to be sick and feel shitty after "what you did"

here you are, coming to in the hospital, kind of in a way re-traumatized because, now you know that. Your pregnancy truly, truly is finally over, that your son truly is dead because now he's no longer even inside of you. Lucifer is, almost pathetic in his desperation to show you he knows the truth now and apologizes and, begs for your forgiveness. I mean, after all, you guys still have the wedding next month--

I could genuinely keep going and going to the point I could just write the fic itself but I wouldn't know where to end this idea outside of, Reader does in fact eventually heal but you're always going to be Lucifer's little wife-prisoner because, not o ly does he just love you so so so much but obviously now he's got uh Some Serious Fucking Trauma Now on top of all his other you know, crazy lil yandere habits, so OBVIOUSLY he has to make up to you all the pain he caused and make sure you're happy and healthy forever right? Because you two are still gonna get married and be together forever right? And.... since you two will be together forever... that means you'll eventually let him try to have another baby with you, right? And.... you'll agree, because he still loves you and you still love him.... right? He'll fix everything, he PROMISES he'll fix everything, but, you just, have to be willing to give him another chance....

[glorifiedstreetmagician]

To My Dearest

Three letters from Haku Kusanagi to Zenji Kotodama that he did not send and one that he did. Thank you @danieyells for the inspiration. This is dedicated to @zenji-kotodama-official, for hopefully obvious reasons.

[unsent]

Zenji,

This is the sort of thing you would do. But now I find myself sitting at my desk, the weight of the time spent apart hanging over me like an axe about to drop, and I'm writing a letter you'll probably never see. I'm pretending to write to you anyway. Rui said it might help me figure my feelings out if I wrote them down like this, but after ten of these already I'm starting to think I'm doing this just because it feels like the only way I can speak my mind to you while you're not here.

It reminds me of the time I found a poem left on your desk when you weren't there. You wrote of a ghost of a poet and an heir to a shrine. I didn't read it all—I won't pretend to have had the patience or the nerve to try at the time—but I still think about it. You were trying to tell me something and I wish I knew what.

I shouldn't have told you what I did, that I wished I had kissed you when I had the chance. I should have said that I'd still try. You still reach for the people around you with such reckless love, like that time you moved for my hand and fell through your own bed. Your embarrassment was priceless. Oddly beautiful, too. And if you'd let me try to embarrass myself, just once, I'd try to kiss you, ghostly air and all.

It's shameful. Sometimes I lay awake at night, curled up on my side and staring at my door, asking myself what I did wrong. But I know I've done plenty wrong. Even so, I wish you'd just talk to me. I miss you. I hate that I miss you.

You're so annoying, but why did I have to get used to your annoyingness? Why do I miss it? Why do I yearn for just one more obnoxiously loud song, one more melancholic poem, one more masterpiece played on your biwa with your imperious voice demanding I record?

I hate you. I hate you for making me cry. I hate you for being gone. I hate you for not talking to me. I hate you for your silence more than your noise ever annoyed me. Please come back. Please be silent somewhere I can see you again. Just please come back. Come back and be your annoying self and I won't complain again. I won't roll my eyes. I won't tease. Just come back to me, Zenji.

Why do you avoid me? Is it so terrible if I want you, alive or dead? Is there really no other way for us to have our happily ever after? Is there a reason you won't try with me?

Haku

[unsent]

Dear Taro,

Do you remember the day we first met? It was the start of second year for us both, though I didn't really know you until I first stepped foot into Hotarubi, my new dorm at the time. To be honest, I don't really know why I chose it when I'd hardly spent any time there before I left Frostheim. I guess it just reminded me of home.

That first day though, it didn't feel exactly like home. It felt a bit like betrayal when I walked in, knowing who I'd left behind. I was quiet, and then there you were. An explosion of colour and fabric, pale skin glowing even in the dim mists of Hotarubi, and I could swear your eyes sparkled. You were all smiles and friendly chatter, welcoming me like I was just some childhood buddy you hadn't seen for a long time. You didn't even know me.

And you wouldn't leave my side. You said "hi" to at least a dozen people on the way to showing me my room, but stuck by me. At mealtimes, you were there. In the evening, you walked me back to my room even when I said I remembered the way. You did the same the day after that and the day after that and, seemingly, almost every single day forward. I'm not sure you knew it, but you made those first months bearable for me. I'm not sure I ever thanked you for that.

I've always been ungrateful when it comes to you. For your life, your company, and your smile.

What I'd give to see your smile again.

Sorrowfully, Haku

[unsent]

Dearest Taro,

I see the way she looks at you. I see the way you look at her. I've never been a jealous man. At least, not until now. She brings so much more life to you, and for someone always on my case for flirting, you certainly charm the hell out of her.

We talk now, but it doesn't feel the same as before the ball. I wish we'd never gone. I wish I hadn't asked you to dance. I'd undo it all if it meant you wouldn't keep averting your gaze from me when I'm in the room.

What does an honor student have that I don't? Why will you entertain her and not me?

How much longer will this go on?

Yours, Haku

[the downturned card]

Haku didn't show up to the wedding. How could he go on pretending to be perfectly serene and happy, seeing two of his friends get what they always deserved and he selfishly wished against?

The closest he made it was a short distance from the reception, under the shade of a tree grown into the form of a bench. It was wrapped in white and soft indigo ribbons, purple roses tucked among them. That was where he left his folded-up letter.

He glimpses Zenji in the distance, dressed down for this part after the ceremony, considering it was only for close friends. Who would have thought that all the ghouls would not only help lift not just a curse, but a spirit from the dead to allow this newlywed couple to stand here today? Zenji moved and interacted with the world with so much grace and enthusiasm. Every step, every wave of his hand, every turn of his head filled Haku with a love so deep and aching that it hurt.

Love. He had fallen in love with his old friend. It was a terrifying, tragic feeling.

If not for the pain, Haku wouldn't have had the means to walk away, leaving the letter in the tree for Zenji to find if he went looking.

To My Dearest,

There's a poem I've been thinking about. A few lines specifically:

Trees outside the window and a big band sound that makes you feel like / everything's okay, / a feeling that lasts for one song maybe, / the parentheses all clicking shut behind you... I sleep. I dream. I make up things / that I would never say. I say them very quietly.

Sometimes it's easier to use a poet's words when I'm lost for ways to articulate just how I'm feeling. The full poem is more hopeful, but I keep coming back to these lines. It's like he knew, somehow. Precisely how to describe the way grief feels, where you stand in one place but time moves on anyway. Contentment is fleeting, the situation is final, and I betray my own healing by whispering all the words I wish I had said long ago and clinging to them like they might impossibly change the present.

I fear I have become the ghost in bringing you back. I'm stuck somewhere between that night and all the nights after where something got lost in translation.

You deserve this happy life. I'm writing this letter to say goodbye. I have always been a selfish, selfish man. I can't watch you love someone else anymore and live the life with her that I wanted with you.

I'm sorry, Taro. I'm so sorry I never did anything right by you.

Yours, still, Haku

[the upright card]

Haku went through the motions of the day in a kind of stupor. A few years ago, if you told him that he was going to get married one day, he'd laugh self-deprecatingly and ask if you were planning to propose to say such a thing. If you told him he was going to marry Zenji Kotodama—to him, Taro Kirisaki—he would blankly demand what gave you that ridiculous idea, arms crossed and unimpressed.

Currently, his arms are draped over Zenji's shoulders as they slow dance in an empty garden party. All the guests had left. Soon, Haku was going to clean up before he and Zenji collected their bags to board the late train. But right now, he's content just dancing to a song Zenji hummed sweetly in the quiet.

The moment feels so surreal. Zenji's buzzing solidness after years of growing stronger, the rise and fall of his chest so close to true breathing, the fact that they could still hold each other even while one remained a ghost. But the sound of his voice remains the same as always.

"You seem lost in thought, my dear." Zenji's ruby eyes glitter with gentle affection as he observes Haku. "Will you tell me about it?"

"It's nothing," Haku says, only for the rest of his excuses to melt away at a kiss to his forehead. It feels as real as anything.

"Tell me anyway," Zenji replies once he pulls away, smiling encouragingly.

Sighing, Haku glances off to the side at the curved tree. "It's... not something I can say aloud right now."

"But we are alone!" Zenji says, incredulous.

And Haku finds himself chuckling. "Yes. I know. But it's because it's for you that I'm struggling to say it." They stop dancing and, with a tremoring hand, Haku draws a folded piece of paper from a pocket in his coat. "Here. Read this, please. I should start cleaning, or we'll never make it to that train."

"But these are not your vows from earlier?"

"No," Haku says, wandering off to start collecting glasses to take inside. "Just read it and you'll see!" he calls back before leaving.

To My Dearest,

While I like poetry, I've never been all that good at it. I've written this letter probably a dozen times already, trying to quote every Romantic poet you could name. And many of them, I find, are so sad in their works. It just wouldn't do because I find myself so incredibly happy.

I'm writing this version the night before our wedding. You're asleep in the next room over (I know this because I can hear you snoring) and the moon is bright. I have the window open and the breeze is so nice, even if it's also messing with the paper right now.

You know by now that I'm stalling. You've always known me better than anyone else, particularly my own family. And while you've felt like family for a long time now, I can't believe I'm—and yet I look forward to—officially making you mine tomorrow.

You don't know it, but I've been writing letters to you for years. It started in our third year at Darkwick Academy, when I thought I had ruined our friendship for good. Ruined any kind of relationship we might have had. I wrote to you almost every day for a month, and then I continued to write after, but I never sent anything. You know me, after all. I couldn't be openly honest if my life depended on it.

Keats wrote once about the harmony in silence—or something close to that. After years of writing to you what I cannot say, I think I've finally reached that harmony. In my silent missives, I've found a new appreciation for your endless songs. I want you to sing until I go deaf. I want to love you until the end of my life, and then even after.

I used to scorn fairy tales. They weren't real. I had experienced the real world with all its unfit couples, doomed lovers, and sex addicts. I thought that was all there is. You may remember that there was a time I never thought I'd marry, simply because I didn't think a happy marriage was possible. But I want to make a promise to you, Taro. The vows I read out tomorrow are for everyone else. But this promise is for you only, in the beautiful simplicity of silence as you read.

While it is within my power, I am making this our happily ever after, my dearest. I owe it to the both of us to believe in fairy tales again. And I promise you that in this one, the moon and the fisherman can devote themselves to one another, the heir to the shrine can know of the ghost's love, and the beast can marry the princess.

We will have bad days. Someday I might find I grow tired of noise again. You might detest my criticisms. But I promise to never forget the love that's bound us through life and death. If you ever fear that I will, come to me with this letter and we will read it again together until we both remember our happily ever after.

I'm going to marry you tomorrow. You'll see.

With love, forever yours, Haku

[queen-of-deans-booty]

Baby: Part One

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~2.6k

Warnings: canon angst and violence, extra angst, feeling broken and utterly helpless to the point of depression, wanting to die, being shot

Summary: You're trying to prove to Sam and Dean that after two months of having your soul restored, you're all better. You'll gladly play the part if it means they don't worry about you. However, that facade is slowly being stripped away from you the longer you go without facing up to those feelings. You're not okay and you need to stop pretending like you are.

Season Eleven Masterlist

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Supernatural. All credit goes to their respective owners. I love seeing any and all comments <3

x

It's been a month since Molly has been living at the Bunker with your family. You wanted to give the kids a chance to get to know her before school starts. It's been going about as well as you expected it to go. Joanna absolutely loves her, Maryann is a bit cautious, and Noah makes it clear he doesn't like her. Molly is doing her best to help with chores and taking care of the dogs as well as getting used to the kids.

She's been dedicating all of her time being with the kids, taking them out to the park, and allowing them room to get used to her. You don't want her to feel suffocated here so you help where you can to give her a break so she spends her time in the library reading about anything and everything. Her knowledge of the hunting life wasn't that big but now she has an entire library full of lore to fall back on.

If she's going to be taking care of Winchester children, she has to know what's out there. She's a good hunter but there is always room for improvement.

You're in the kitchen making the kids lunch while Molly helps the girls get ready for school. Noah is the first one in the kitchen and the first one to grab his lunch.

"Can you at least pretend you like Molly?"

"I don't know why she's even here. I don't need a babysitter. I'm almost thirteen."

"She's not a babysitter." You sigh and lean against the kitchen island. "I've done things I'm not proud of, Noah, and I need to know that when your dad, uncle, and I are gone from this Bunker, you're safe. Just you being a Winchester has enough of a target on your back. I need someone here to look after you not because I don't trust you but because I love you. I think you're old enough to go to school on your own but your sisters aren't. What if something happens to you on the way to school? What will you do? You're not prepared but Molly is."

"How long is she going to be here?"

"I don't know. Right now, I need all the help I can get."

"Guess."

"At least a year. Maybe more. Work with her, Noah. All I ask is that you try. Can you do that for me, please?"

"Alright," Noah sighs.

"Thank you."

You pull Noah in for a hug he acts like he doesn't want but you see the smile on his face. You kiss the top of his head just as Molly and your daughters walk in. You give the lunches to Molly who packs them inside their backpacks.

"Thanks for doing this, Molly."

"It's no problem, really."

She leaves with the kids to bring them to their first day of school. Noah is starting the 7th grade, Joanna is starting Kindergarten, and Maryann is in preschool. You can't wait for them to get home so you can hear all about their day. This past month has been especially hard for you because you're in a constant battle between yourself and wanting to give your kids the love they deserve.

You're not fully back yet and you're not sure when you will be. You have to take it day by day and see how you feel but you can already tell this isn't going to be a good one. As soon as the kids are gone, the tears come. You put your hand to your mouth to silence your sobs but two manage to escape.

No, we're not doing this today. A month with your soul restored isn't enough time to get over just how bad you were... how many people you've killed. I need Dean. He makes everything better even if he's just standing there. He and Sam decided to forgive you for what you did but you know you have a long road ahead of you of making it up to them. Thank God your kids don't know what you did otherwise you'd have killed yourself for sure.

You wipe the tears from your face and go find your husband who is inside the garage washing his precious car... again. His back is turned to you as he leans over the trunk to wash the back window. You want to help him. You want to be able to go over to him and offer to help but you feel frozen in your stance. How can you ever go back to doing normal shit when you feel so far from normal?

Someone walks up behind you and you turn to see Sam there. You mutter a quick apology and move out of his way. He decides to give you some space and walks over to his brother who just now notices you two.

"Hey. Did you find anything?"

"On the Darkness? No."

"What about Metatron?"

"No."

"Great. So, we have an ancient evil out there somewhere just getting stronger by the day."

"Cas is getting better so there's that. He still needs more time to heal, though."

Sam grabs a sponge and helps his brother wash the car while you stay by the door and watch them.

"I guess we got nothing to do but get better. Speaking of, you doing alright, sweetheart?"

Both brothers look at you and you blush out of embarrassment.

"Fine."

Dean hums but goes back to what he was doing. He doesn't believe you but that's a conversation to be had in the privacy of your own bedroom instead of in front of Sam.

"I don't know about you two, but I've got some serious cabin fever. I've washed every car in here twice."

"I may have found us a case in Oregon. I mean, it's thin but--"

"Thin works. Tell me on the way."

While the brothers dry the soap and water off the car, you take your phone out and text Molly your plans.

You: Hey, the boys and I are going to Oregon for a case. We should be back by the end of the week.

Molly: Go. I got this.

You really don't deserve her and you barely even know her. You're not sure where you're at but when it starts raining, Dean scoffs knowing he just washed his car. You're sitting in the back seat with your head resting on the window watching the drops of water race down the window.

"Alright, let's hear it. What are we getting into?"

"There's a town outside of Eugene, Oregon called Quaker Valley. Dwayne Markham, the local sheriff, was found in the woods a couple of days ago. His body was mauled so they chalked it up to an animal attack, but I'm thinking it could be a werewolf."

"You're right. That is thin."

"Probably nothing, right?"

"Probably not. Oregon, here we come."

Sam's phone rings and he answers Castiel's call. He places him on speakerphone and you pull your eyes away from the window to look at the phone as if Castiel is standing right there.

"Hey, Cas. Everything alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I was just reading up about the other cases in the area that you're headed to. I haven't found anything yet that matches."

"Cas, you've got one job to do and that's to heal."

"I can help, Dean."

"Yeah, I know but now is the time for you to focus on getting better. This is just a milk run. We got it. So, try and relax."

"Alright."

"Read a book and watch some Netflix."

"What's a 'Netflix'?"

"Go to my room and turn on the TV. It's the red and black icon. You'll figure it out."

"Call me if you need anything."

"Got it. Thanks, Cas." Sam hangs up. "Do you think he's gonna be okay?"

"Yeah. He just needs some time, you know? We all do."

I don't think time will fix me. Dean doesn't want to drive all the way to Oregon in one trip so he stops somewhere in Salt Lake City to get some rest for the night. He pulls up in front of a sketchy-looking bar called The Roadhouse, and all you can think about is getting a room and crying yourself to sleep.

"Are you serious, Dean? It's late. I'm exhausted and starving. This place... I mean, even Swayze wouldn't come to this roadhouse."

"Okay, first of all, never use Swayze's name in vain. Okay? Ever. Second, you don't remember this place? You don't remember the hunt we worked on with the Wendigo a couple of years ago?"

"Oh, yeah."

"Look, we have a lot of driving to do just to go to a town where there's probably not a case. We could make this night a good one if we let it. What do you say? Sweetheart?"

"I don't care," you sigh and look down.

"I say, knock yourself out. I'm gonna find a diner, dig into the lore like Cas did, and see if anything has ever happened where we're headed."

"Oh, man, you really gotta learn to have fun. Seriously, it's pathetic. Come on, sweetheart. Let's go."

You and Dean separate from Sam once you all get out of the car. Just let me cry in peace. Dean has to drag you into the lively bar, and you take out your phone to message Molly.

You: How was the kids' first day of school?

Molly: It went as expected. It was a good first day and now they're in their beds sleeping.

Dean reaches over and takes your phone from you before you have a chance to message Molly back. You and Dean sit at the bar, both of you wearing different faces. The bartender looks at you and decides your poison will be the strongest drink they have, but you don't touch it.

"Just give me one night where you block everything out, okay?"

"I can't, Dean," you sigh.

"What's it going to take for you to be okay?"

You snap your head up and glare at Dean who is taken aback by your sudden change in attitude.

"This isn't some depressive episode, Dean. For an entire year, I spent life soulless. For an entire year, I... hurt people... killed people with my magic. My magic that is supposed to be used to heal people. That doesn't go away after two months."

"Yeah, I know--"

"No, you don't know. You want to know but you don't, and I don't expect you to. Just stop pretending like everything is fine when it's not."

You get up and walk to the bathroom without another word. Dean sighs and looks at his phone thoughtfully. He's debating on calling Sam but decides against it. He wants to be there for you but he doesn't know how if he can't understand. Maybe he should call the new Death and make him put a wall in your head. After taking a moment or two to yourself, you walk back out of the bathroom and over to Dean.

"Enjoy your time here, Dean. I'm getting a motel for the night. I'm tired."

"Y/N--"

"Goodnight, Dean."

You leave your phone with him and leave the bar. There is a motel right across the street from the bar so that's where you walk over to. There are a lot of rooms available but you don't care which one you get. You just need to get inside a room before you break down crying. You pay for the night and leave with the key in hand. You don't bother locking the door because as soon as you close the door, you're already in tears.

You sit on the edge of the bed and look down at your hands. Hands that have killed. They glow softly with blue magic but seeing that magic brings such a heavy weight to your heart. It hurts to see your magic. It's like someone has stabbed you in the heart and left a dull knife inside of you. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to think. It hurts to live. I hurt all over and Dean doesn't even know. You put your head in your hands and sob. Your wails are loud enough that you're sure the neighbors on either side of you can hear you.

You jump when you feel a hand touch your shoulder but you don't look at who it is. You already know who it is. Dean pulls you into his arms and lets you sob into his chest. He is here for you through your worst and will do anything to take care of you no matter what that entails. Seeing you this way is worse than seeing you without a soul. He knows you're hurting and he can't do anything to make it better. At least with before, he knew the real you was stuck inside his head. He knew he could fix that.

He doesn't know how to fix this.

As soon as the sun starts shining through the window, you and Dean are already heading back to the Impala. You don't know if you can talk about what happened and Dean doesn't force you to. What he did last night helped only because it was he who was holding you. He stayed up well past after you fell asleep just to listen to you breathe. He prayed that you'd make it out okay for whatever it's worth.

You stop short when you see Sam naked in the back seat with a blonde woman on top of him. You gasp loud enough to wake her up, and she looks around frantically.

"Who are you two?" she asks.

"Sam!"

"Ah, what?" He opens his eyes and looks at you and Dean sheepishly. "This is my brother, Dean, and his wife, Y/N."

You immediately look away when she shifts enough to reveal Sam's cock. You know what it looks like but you don't want to violate him like that.

"Sorry, Sam, I didn't realize you had company," Dean chuckles.

"Yeah, uh, could you give us a minute?"

"Yeah."

Dean takes your hand and heads to the diner that's in the same complex as the bar. You two take a table by the window with a clear shot of the Impala, and Dean orders for you two. You look away from the car with a sigh, and Dean slides your phone across the table toward you.

"I charged it for you."

"Thanks," you whisper.

After getting some food in your stomach, you see the woman Sam was with walk into the diner wearing a uniform. Son of a bitch works here. Dean pays for the bill and you two walk back out to the car where Sam is now in the front seat. He is buttoning up his shirt but you don't immediately get in the back. You open the trunk and grab some baby wipes from the baby bag you have stashed back here. You notice your own bag and ruffle through it until you find what you're looking for. You close the trunk and start wiping the back seat with the baby wipes.

"I put a blanket down," Sam huffs out.

"My kids sit back here, Sam. I don't need them contracting a disease because you couldn't keep it in your pants."

Once you deem it safe to sit back there, you climb into the car and clutch the notebook you grabbed from your bag to your chest. Dean grabs a cassette tape from the glove compartment and shoves it into the player.

"Dean, I can explain what was going on--"

"No, no, no. No need."

Bob Seger's "Night Moves" starts playing and Sam scoffs at the silent message Dean is trying to tell him.

"Don't 'Night Moves' me."

"Shh. Just let it wash over you. Just take it in," he smirks.

"This is ridiculous."

"He's one of the greatest rock writers of all time, Samuel."

He rolls his eyes. "It's Sam."

x

Want to be tagged? Follow my library blog @aqueenslibrary​​​​​​ where I reblog all my stories, so you can put notifications on there without the extra stuff :)

[horse-girl-anthy]

this is gonna be an off the cuff ramble/vent so don't read if that doesn't interest you.

I am thinking I'm going to back away from Ikuhara fandom in the next six months (coinciding with when I finish the rewatches I'm doing in my server). I feel like I've exhausted what I have to say about his shows, and I've also developed a very specific way of understanding them which clashes with others. I'm torn between feeling like it's worth trying to delineate my own understanding and feeling that I'm just being territorial, pedantic, or close minded. at a certain point, even if I could be proved "right" on my interpretations, I'm losing the enjoyment I should have in the stories by caring what other people think about them. at the moment, I'm thinking I want to flesh a couple more ideas and then let it rest. I'll always be grateful to Ikuhara and happy I put time into this blog, but nothing lasts forever.

so all of that to say... I was on the fence about writing what I'm about to write. I recommend people who don't want to read someone objecting to common RGU fan interpretations to just check out now. I'm not trying to start anything. but after reflecting on it, I decided it to share my thoughts on this topic; I think it's worth saying, even if it makes me look contrarian or problematic.

---

I watched RGU in 2014, right as the western fandom was experiencing a shift in how it approached the show. I won't detail all that went on during that time--today I'm specifically interested in two characters: Nanami and Miki.

before, I'd say the fandom was overall less critical. things were taken more at face value. for instance, Nanami was not always taken seriously, while characters like Miki, just because they were "nice," were seen as "good guys." however as time's wore on, there's been a backlash to that way of approaching the show. the characters most likely to have received misogynistic hate in the past (Anthy, Shiori, Nanami, and Kozue, mainly) were reinterpreted, while "good guy" characters were increasingly scrutinized.

that was a good thing, as it was a counterbalance to the previous attitude. however, it's been more than a decade since I joined the fandom, and I still see people talking like it's 2014. the way that people have reinterpreted the anime has, often, not resulted in interesting readings. this is because people are still applying an ideological lens to the story, rather than engaging with how it presents itself.

I specifically want to highlight Nanami in this regard. I check the RGU tag almost every single day, and I have seen scores of posts which are nigh-identical to each other. it's always people talking about how she's a "calf to the slaughter," she's actually a victim, etc. and I just... don't get anything out of it.

I think a lot of this shift began with this essay series called Palace Perspective. it's been a long time since I read it--actually before my Utena renaissance--but I didn't like it at the time. it was written in this very self-serious style, and all I remember it arguing was "Nanami is a victim, Touga is a bad guy." I'd loved the Touga/Nanami relationship since I first watched RGU, and that was never how I felt about it. Touga certainly harms Nanami, but based on the series itself, it seemed to me that in large part, Touga was the victim, and Nanami was harmed by his victimization.

anyway, since around the time that essay series came out, people have had this attitude of "actually Nanami is a very deep character, you guys," as if it needs to be repeated over and over. and there's a denial that Nanami is a comic relief character--"actually her being funny is just a ruse because the show is camouflaging that she's a victim!" okay, yes, they do lure you in to Nanami's story slowly; she's initially silly, but all along hiding under that was some serious shit. I'm not denying that. but I'm also not buying that line entirely.

the Shadow Girls do an entire play about how Nanami's comedic suffering is the result of her own actions (they call it "divine justice"). take episode 16 specifically. yes, we have Nanami dreaming about being a calf for the slaughter. that is a great scene and indicative of the unhealthy relationship between her and Touga. but isn't the crux of the episode that Nanami is making a fool of herself??? she tries to one-up Juri at a party. her failure to realize what the cowbell is highlights her ignorance. the show is absolutely poking fun at her. you can go into why Nanami ended up this way, but I don't understand how we've gotten to the point where people are so over-serious about Nanami--and RGU in general--that they can't laugh at it.

I'll take a detour here to talk about Miki. it's become increasingly popular to frame him as a sexist--I've even seen him termed a "raging misogynist." he gets blamed for his strained relationship with his sister and written off as "just as bad as the other male characters." that's another case where I really don't see it. or at least, I feel like people have lost track of degrees in these things. Miki seems unsure of what he believes, sometimes expressing progressive views but other times regressive ones, and he does act within a patriarchal system. but does he comport himself that badly? or is he just a normal 13-year-old boy who falls into temptation?

I want to make a comparison between him and Nanami here. I think you could make a very real case that Nanami has far more sexist beliefs than Miki. she treats every female character as competition, as a hussy out to steal her brother. when she finds out the truth about Anthy and Akio, she immediately jumps to victim blaming Anthy. and another thing: Nanami plays princess.

the fact that so many people write about Nanami but this aspect of her character is rarely commented on is mind boggling. it's like, her whole thing. Nanami wants to be the center of the universe; Touga is her everything and she wants to possess Touga. she constantly acts the victim and tries to manipulate things so her enemies look like the villain.

I'm not saying this to shit on Nanami! I love Nanami, she's one of my favorite characters of all time! but I've found it alienating to be in a fandom where whitewashing is framed as appreciation. even her backstory: people make post after post about how it wasn't Nanami's fault she killed the cat, because she's a victim. here's the problem with that: why are we engaging with the story on the level of blame? I recently read an essay on methods of analysis that placed "vilification and heroization" as the lowest form of engagement with fiction. I understand why someone would want to defend a character from attack, but aside from like, youtube comments or old forum posts, who exactly is attacking Nanami? and also, how is saying "actually she's a victim so that explains everything" accomplishing anything?

I am being unfair here, because some people do engage with the work enough to say more than that. people will point to the neglect Nanami experienced as the cause of her behavior. that's there, it's certainly there. I'm not objecting to serious attempts to explain character motivation in reaction to vilifiction, but more to the impulse to try to paint characters as morally pure. isn't Nanami so great because she's so complicated? when people approach the story with the drive to whitewash, so much of the nuance and feeling of the work goes unnoticed. episode 31 and 32 do portray Nanami as a victim (of Touga and of her parents and of Akio). however, they also portray Nanami's motivations, and not all of them are pretty. over the course of the arc, you watch her entire worldview fall apart. it doesn't matter whether not it's "her fault" she has that worldview--the process is painful and humiliating either way.

all of this carries through to how people react to both Nanami's final scene in the show and her comic relief section in the film. the comic relief scene is bad because it doesn't take Nanami seriously enough, while her final scene is bad because it shows her waiting on Touga and Saionji, which is sexist because she's partaking in traditional gender roles. the only way I can understand those reactions is that people didn't actually pay attention to how she was portrayed in the show, as a comic relief character or as a serious character. I'd understand the objection if Anthy's final scene involved her waiting on Akio, but Anthy and Nanami are different characters (I also don't get much out of the endless Anthy/Nanami posts because of how they are flattened in comparisons). unlike Anthy, Nanami spent the entire show demanding to be waited on, but when we see her for the last time, she's contentedly serving others. that is called character development.

I wanted to highlight Miki and Nanami because I feel they point to a major problem of the fandom: the maintenance of the prince and the princess, just with new definitions. the prince is bad, masculine, harmful, and needs to be rejected. the princess is good, feminine, eternally victimized, and above question. I find this sad because I thought we were supposed to be transcending the gender binary. I know saying this makes me sound anti-feminist, but I'm not. I'm not saying "oh we need to transcend the gender binary by never criticizing men or ignoring how women are victimized"; that would be stupid. but my vision of feminism is vigilantly critical of all things, evaluates each situation on an individual basis, and avoids self-flattery and self-deception.

[syndrossi]

Sorry for bothering you but I was reading another ask and just wondered if the full truth came out in Restoration to Winterfell Jon, would it change how he feels towards his other self and Rhaegar or would they be firmly little siblings to protect at that point and at any point and how does Jon feel about his Winterfell self as it's a him that is far more innocent and naive than he has been for years , he had almost lived a full lifetime in experience and personal changes in the years he has on him at that point, you could almost say in mental and experience years he is old enough to be both his twins and his older self's father in a way sorry for the long ramble and thoughts

By full truth I assume we're talking about learning that Willam and Raymar aren't actually his brothers but are instead X/Y/Z (depending on what backstory Daemon ends up deciding on).

Either way, they're little brother-shaped people who he's been protecting for a few months, so I don't think it changes too much for him, especially given that Daemon's likely going to straight-up adopt him (without asking permission, in true Daemon fashion), and then they'd be brothers anyway.

For Resonant!Jon, his maturity isn't really linear. I've mentioned it before a while back, but R!Jon's mental age after a year in Resonant isn't 19+1=20--rather, he and Rhaegar grow closer to their physical ages over time in terms of emotional maturity as they integrate with their Redfort counterparts. They grow "into" their ages, basically, though it's a gradual thing. But they do retain their memories, so R!Jon does find himself in a weird place where he remembers living a much fuller life than W!Jon, and still has some of that Lord Commander in him alongside Jon Redfort.

It's gotta be so strange to be confronted with yourself, and understanding him while also viewing him with the benefit of hindsight. I don't even know what relationship bucket that ends up being--maybe something like peers in the end, despite the age gap. And however weird W!Jon finds it.

[catboy-jupiter]

I decided to do this with three sets of my OCs, because I was amused by how different their responses would be!

Little scenes/snippets under the cut! Was very excited to write some stuff for them, especially since the last one is from a setting I haven't thought much about in a while ₍^ >ヮ<^₎

The Knights ❀༊·˚ [scene: alive and well]

"That… Lucien…" Anish falters, eyes stinging as he looks away, takes a deep breath; and finally meets Lucien's eyes again. "You shouldn't be used to it! That's horrible. Your powers… They're incredible. I've always, always been so, so grateful that you developed them to help me. Why… Why would they scorn such a thing?!" He asks, more to the universe than to really get an answer.

"Because they think it makes me weak." Lucien replies, easy and nonchalant, as if he hadn't just shared that their former classmates almost killed him, only a few months after he moved out. Anish's hand shakes as he grips his sword tighter. "You weren't there to take the brunt of it anymore, so their target switched to me. Naturally." Then, he hums as he looks at this rapier, inspecting it closely.

Anish deflates immediately. If only he'd stayed… Then, Lucien wouldn't have had to go through that. He wouldn't have had to find him completely separate from all his peers, young and dumb and prejudiced and unwilling to see the value of a healer on the battlefield instead of on the sidelines, just waiting to patch them up.

"I'm sorry." He murmurs, closing the distance between them and resting his head on his shoulder. Lucien spares him a quick glance then looks back at his rapier; back and forth, back and forth, before he sheathes it with a sigh.

"You needn't be. Father took care of it. I'm alive and well, right?"

Anish stares at the deep cut, scarred, on Lucien's cheek. Thinks to his unrecognizable dead, dead eyes that only lit up when Lucien had recognized who'd invited him to their squad that day, finally prompting Anish to connect the dots. Alive? Yes. Well? Most certainly not. But he will try his best to keep that newly-rekindled spark alive.

"Yes. And I'm so grateful for that." He finally replies, closing his eyes and tucking his head closer into Lucien's neck.

He's so deep in his mind he doesn't notice the other's shiver and blush, nor the soft smile unravelling on his face.

Gossip Trio ❀༊·˚ [scene: unimpressed]

Met with Brittany's unblinking stare, Lowell shifts in place. "What." They bark out, arms crossed.

"So you realized what was going on. Stayed. Had a nasty fight before your break-up. Had other, healthier relationships… And you're still into the guy?"

"I am not into him. Not anymore."

"Yeah sure. You only don't drool every time he comes here to pester us because you'd never give him more ammunition for his huge ego."

Lowell huffs and looks away, but their eyes catch onto soft pink clothes, perfect blond curls and an innocent-looking smile that hides the man's sharpest edges. His soft laugh reaches his ears, like twinkling bells, or the clink of chains doing their best to keep someone captive. Lowell tries not to think about how much hotter he's always looked after they'd make out. They fail.

"Not into him." Brittany scoffs, and goes back to sucking on her lollipop and scrolling through her feed, utterly unimpressed. Those two are another level of messed up she hadn't seen even on her worst exes. Or on herself.

Mecha World ❀༊·˚ [scene: carefree smile]

The boy breathes deeply, staring at their bodies, grip firm on the blast gun in case they move a muscle. His breaths are the only one heard in the room, but he still keeps a close eye. The seconds pass, and they remain still, unmoving on the grass. Finally, he slowly lowers it until it points at the ground.

His frown remains as he turns around, clicking the safety back on and going back towards their car. Its auto-drive could take him back home, but it might also complicate things. Implicate him. So he just takes his bag, puts the gun inside it, checks for anything else of his and starts walking.

To his sister, beside whom he'll finally be able to relax. They won't be able to hurt her anymore. Or him. Or anyone else. They're just cooling corpses, now.

… He'd thought she was safe. He'd thought they'd focused it on him, that her smiles reflected how much more they loved her. He'd been grateful for it. He's so dumb. He needs to do better. He should've noticed sooner that they didn't have a name for her, either. But he can't change the past, and he's changed the future. She'll be able to have a carefree smile. He'll be able to relax. They'll choose their names themselves. They aren't controlled by their parents anymore.

#37 What would your character do if they discovered their sibling/friend was abused?

I know you all have amazing creative juices in you and some amazing characters. This prompt is just for you to have fun and to help you explore your Character in a different setting. I would LOVE to hear what your Characters would do.